Not Quite What I Imagined...

Just one month (give or take) until my baby boy makes his big debut in the world! Just one month until I finally get to meet him, to touch him, and see his adorable face. Just one month until I take that final big leap in to motherhood. I won't lie, I am a little bit terrified and I'm not sure that I feel entirely prepared.

I know that I am prepared. We have almost everything we need to take care of a baby. He has a place to sleep, he will be fed, and clean. He will have all of his basic needs covered. Though I may not be an expert when it comes to taking care of a newborn, I think I know enough to keep him healthy and happy. For whatever I don't know, I have plenty of wonderful people who are more than willing to help me along and give me advice or show me how it is done. I have no doubt that once we get the hang of it, Erik and I will make pretty good parents.

Yet, I still cannot quite shake the guilt that things have not gone exactly as I had once planned.

When I first decided I wanted to have children (quite a while ago), I knew I wanted to raise them a certain way. The “optimal” way, I guess you could call it. Having studied child development and taken quite an interest in it, I was very set on raising my kids in a way that would provide them with all of the opportunities to really get the best out of each developmental stage. I wanted to have all of the toys and objects that would stimulate optimal brain development and learning abilities. I wanted to get specialized reading programs to help them learn more quickly. I really wanted to make the best out of this really critical time in their development. On top of it, I really wanted to raise my kids in the most natural and organic ways possible. I wanted to stay away from toxic paints and finishes. I wanted to get all organic linens for the bedding, even organic toys. I really wanted to give my baby the healthiest start in life.

I've had to really tone down those ideals. I feel like I have had to settle a lot. The biggest reason for this has been that we simply can't afford it. One of the curses of being young parents. I can't afford the organic linens and clothes or the fancy developmental toys and gadgets. As it is, almost everything we have has been purchased second hand and the problem with that is that it's never exactly what I want. We have a play mat, but it is only a very basic one. We have a mobile, but again, a very basic one. We have a stroller and car seat but it's not really what I would have picked. We have loads of clothes, but again, they are not really what I would have picked had I been able to choose.

I do not mean to put down or be sour about the gifts we have received and the things we have been able to get. I really, truly do appreciate every thing we have gotten from friends and family. We honestly would not be able to afford to have this baby if it weren't for the generosity of others and the great deals we have been able to find. I only mean to express how frustrating and, yes, a little bit disappointing, it has been to not be able to choose for myself and to have to settle on things that are not what I imagined having or being able to give to my son.

I know a lot of people who have done extensive research on every little thing for baby, from car seats and cribs to bottles and pacifiers, diapers, toys, mattresses, and linen. I never did any research, simply because I had no choice. We got what we could afford or what we found on sale or second hand, or simply what was available to us. It was an incredibly frustrating, stressful process for me. I'm admitting now that it was very hard for me and I think almost every shopping trip for baby ended in tears for myself because I was so frustrated and upset.

It is only more frustrating because I don't feel like I get the support that I am looking for from Erik. Organics and developmental stages and what not are just not important to him like they are to me. When we shop for baby, his biggest concern is price. I feel like whatever is cheapest is what we have to get. And usually cheap is the exact opposite of good-quality, environmentally-friendly, and toxin-free. Not to mention, he hasn't been very supportive at all with my decision to breast feed. He is so sure that I am doomed to fail and that I won't be able to handle it. I am kind of hurt by this. I just wish we were more on the same page.

Anyway, that is a whole other issue. Right now I just needed to express how I have been feeling very guilty lately about settling on the basics and not being able to give my son the absolute best and healthiest start in life. However, it is something I really have to learn to accept, because we just can't afford it. I have to do the best with what I have. It doesn't mean that I have failed as a parent. It doesn't mean my son is doomed to a life of illness or that he will be behind in school because he didn't have the best toys when he was a baby. He isn't going to get cancer because he slept in a bed with non-organic sheets. I have to keep telling myself these things and I have to start to believe them or I will always feel like I've failed. If I feel like I have failed, then I won't be able to be the best mother I can be and that is what is most important...