Pregnancy is a truly amazing, natural process. It blows my mind that what started out as a tiny, one-celled dot the size of the period at the end of this sentence has become the living, breathing (kind of), kung fu/breakdancing master inside of me right now. The complexity of their growth and development is crazy. They go through so much in such a short period of time. As I said, they go from being one, tiny, little cell to being an independent organism with a mind of its very own and capable of complex physiological functions. Even the process and changes your own body goes through during pregnancy is fascinating and exciting. I will admit I got a little thrill everytime I got a little bit nauseous because it was just proof that I was pregnant.
But, most awe-inspiring of all is the immense love you can feel for a little person that you have never even met before. For many this love begins even before you conceive. There is just this love in your heart that you know belongs to someone, and it is just a matter of waiting for that little someone to come along and claim it. And as soon as you find out that little someone is there (even if they are just a little ball of cells), that's it. That piece of your heart is their's forever.
From that moment on, you are an emotional roller coaster of love, joy, anxiety, and fear, whether you have the mood swings or not. But you are just so happy to be pregnant that you accept all of that, along with all of the physical chaos that comes with it. For the first half of the pregnancy everything is new and exciting and scary. After about 20 weeks or so, you kind of become comfortable with pregnancy. It becomes what is normal, you are getting used to your growing belly, and things start to get exciting as far as starting to prepare nurseries, planning showers, etc. And then... and then there comes the point when you are just done. You become tired, uncomfortable and impatient to meet your little one. You've had enough of being pregnant and you really just want all of the discomfort to go away.
I think I have been at this last stage for a while now. More so now than ever, though. I am just exhausted and tired of being pregnant and I am so ready for it to end already. As I always have to reiterate, this does not mean I wish for complications or that I wish my boy would come early so that I can have relief. It simply means I wish I could curl up in bed (preferably with a really comfy body pillow), pull the blankets up over my head and sleep until it is time for this little man to come.
Unfortunately, it seems that the time when I am most tired and uncomfortable is the time when I will be busiest of all. It still seems like there is so much that needs to get done, and so much more that I was hoping to get done before his arrival. The nursery needs to be organized, and if I have the energy and time, decorated. I should be reading my breastfeeding and baby books. I still have so many projects and things I wanted to get done. I had wanted to at least get some of my pregnancy scrapbook done. There are tons of household chores I should be doing on a regular basis. It isn't baby-related, but I also have a whole bunch of choreography to finish, songs to edit, and costumes to worry about for dance. Now, Mum wants me to take my driver's test in two weeks on top of everything else. I can barely find the energy to get up in the morning, nevermind do all of this stuff. Reading is even hard as I can't find the ability to concentrate on the words.
I am becoming increasingly overwhelmed. I think about getting something done, whether it be housework, a little bit of knitting or crocheting, or reading a book, and I get so exhausted that I just want to curl up back in bed and sleep all day. In fact, I am sure I really could sleep all day if I allowed myself to. Then, of course, all of the housework piles up, projects get pushed to the side, and I get anxious worrying about all of this stuff about when baby comes home when I know that if I just took the time to read a lot of my anxieties would be eased. And then I feel guilty because I feel like I am being lazy and not a good wife and mother (to-be).
I haven't been eating well, either, which I am sure does not help matters and only makes me feel more guilty. I eat a lot of carbs, but not the good, healthy kinds. I'm eating less and less fruits and vegetables and more pasta and toast and what not. I found that I did this during my first trimester, as well. I was just so tired that I didn't want to go through the work of preparing a good, healthy meal and the thought of making anything else but pasta just did not appeal to me in the least. I'm starting to fall back in to that. Not eating well probably isn't making me feel any better, so it becomes a cycle. I don't eat well because I'm tired and don't want to deal with cooking. I'm tired because I'm not eating well... etc, etc.
On top of it all (exhaustion, anxiety, impatience, being overwhelmed by everything that is building up) I am sick. I've been battling sinus problems for a while now and have also recently dealt with a bit of a stomach bug. I can't even take anything to give me some relief, so being sick is zapping any energy I do have left.
There, that was my complaint for the day. I hope it doesn't get worse. I really hope that I will find a sudden burst of energy and I will nest and get everything that needs to get done. But I doubt it is going to happen... I have to hope instead that Erik could be understanding and see how much I am struggling and kind of take over things for a while...
