Tristan's Birth Story

Well here we are three weeks after Tristan was born and I am finally getting my birth story posted! You can't blame me. Life with a new baby is busy! I'm just proud of myself for actually getting it done.

Warning, it is LOOOOONG!

So...

It all started with a leg cramp. Correction: It all started with the worst leg cramp I have experienced in my whole life. It woke me up out of a dead sleep - the first good sleep I had managed to get in the better part of two weeks – around 2:30 Tuesday morning. The cramp was excruciating, but I think it panicked me more than anything because it would not go away no matter what I tried. I yelled and sobbed, and poor Erik woke up thinking I was in labour. It was the right idea, but my body had the wrong muscle!

I don't know if it was just because he was tired and not quite lucid or if I was mumbling like he says, but it took forever to finally make Erik understand what was going on. There was definitely a moment when I thought, “He better catch on quicker when I am actually in labour because if this is a preview of how things are going to go down, I just might strangle him.”

Finally, the cramp faded, and less than half an hour later I was experiencing a whole different kind of cramping (and much less painful, I might add). I decided to start timing the contractions, which were about 15-20 minutes apart. I thought, “Great! Maybe that leg cramp actually started something.” Indeed, it looked like it had. Over the course of the morning, they gradually got closer and closer together and mildly stronger, although I could still barely feel them. I was just beginning to wonder when I should call the hospital when I got a phone call from my OB's receptionist – shortly after 10:00 AM.

She said that Dr. Yacoub wanted to know if I would come in to be induced a day early. Of course, my answer was “Yes!” Inducement scared me a little and it was something I had hoped to avoid, but by that point I was overdue and just wanted the baby out of me.

The feeling of joy and excitement and anticipation was incredible after that call. I don't think I have ever seen Erik so happy and excited and almost giddy. We were both high off of it. Our grins were from ear to ear. We couldn't believe it was actually happening and I really think that it was that moment when we both realized that this was really happening. We were going to have a baby! It really was one of the best feelings in the world.

After the call, things got a little crazy. We realized then that I didn't even have my hospital bag fully packed. 40 weeks, 4 days and my hospital bag was lying half-packed on the living room floor. We spent the next half hour or so running around, gathering things up, trying to make sure nothing was left behind. When we were finally ready to walk out the door, I couldn't find my wallet with my health card! No matter where we looked I couldn't find it anywhere and I needed that health card. We must have searched for a good fifteen minutes before we found it... and then realized that in our search we had misplaced Erik's phone. That took another good fifteen! An hour or so later, we finally made it out the door.

We arrived at the hospital around eleven and Mum and my brother arrived a few minutes later. We waited a couple of hours before I even got in to a room to be monitored, but it didn't matter because we were still high from the excitement. After being monitored it was another several hours before we even saw Dr. Yacoub. We found out that I was only about 2 cm dilated, even after all of the “practice” contractions I had been having during the weeks before and the regular contractions I had been having all that morning. But taking the fact that I was having regular contractions and was dilated a bit already, Dr Yacoub was pretty confident that I would go in to labour on my own within the next 12 hours. He gave me two options. I could stay and be induced, or I could go home and wait for labour to come naturally.

I honestly panicked. I hate making decisions, especially ones that have to be made pretty much on the spot. I remember glancing at Erik, eyes wide, silently begging him to answer for me. But I knew he couldn't answer for me. I made a snap decision. I said I would wait for labour to come naturally. There were two things that really swayed my decision. Number one, I really wanted to have the experience of naturally progressing labour. I wanted to allow my body to do it's own thing and take over. Also, I wasn't quite aware of how inducement would affect the progression of my labour and also the baby. All I really knew about inducement was about pitocin and how it brought labour on hard and fast and could possibly put stress on the baby. I didn't know how Cervadil or breaking my water would be different.

Even though I had been so excited for it to finally be happening, to finally know that I was going to get to meet my baby very soon, I felt that waiting for labour to come on it's own, especially with everyone (even myself) confident it would be very soon, was the best decision. Dr Yacoub even told me himself he thought I was making the right decision. He stretched my cervix to hopefully help things progress and then we went home.

I knew Erik was disappointed and I felt absolutely horrible for it the rest of the day. I kept second guessing myself because I could see the complete change in him from so happy to sullen and disappointed. However, I knew deep down that I had made a good decision.

How was I to know that by ten that night the contractions would fizzle out? Everything had seemed so promising. After we left the hospital, we went out for dinner and walked around the mall for a while. The contractions started coming closer together and more intense, just like they were supposed to. But it all turned out to be a false alarm.

As told, we went back to the hospital Wednesday morning for my original induction date... and were turned away after several hours of waiting. I would have gone in, would have gotten the last bed they had available if I hadn't had to go pee. We had been waiting two and a half hours and I desperately had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, they have no public washroom available on the fourth floor. If I had to pee I would have to go down to the main floor lobby. I was desperate enough for it. My mum assured me she would let the nurses know what was happening and hold our spot for us. No sooner had I left, the nurse called my name. My mum explained what was going on, but the nurse basically said “You snooze, you lose,” and took the woman who had been waiting just 20 minutes. Erik was livid and seeing red, but there was nothing we could do.

We waited for another half hour or so before we were told it wouldn't be happening that day. Labour and Delivery was swamped and the woman they had taken before us had taken the last bed. Dr Yacoub delivered the news to us himself and was so nice and apologetic about it that I really couldn't be upset. To be completely honest, I was almost relieved when he told us it wouldn't be happening that day. With my anxiety, the thought of going through labour and delivery in a crowded ward was horrifying. And we had been waiting so long and I was feeling terrible that day (from the sinusitis and respiratory infection I was suffering from). All I wanted to do was go home.

Thursday. We expected the third time to be the charm. No luck. Labour and delivery was run ragged with women in labour (damn super moon). This time we were pulled aside into the doctor's lounge. I think the nurse was afraid we would make a scene. She knew we had been there three days in a row now. I truly thought Erik would make a scene, too. Before he could let his frustration get the better of him, I quickly told her that we completely understood and no worries. And truly I did understand. There was nothing they or I or anyone could do about the fact that so many women were going in to labour and there were a couple of emergency c-sections to boot. It wasn't their fault and although I was incredibly frustrated with the situation and disappointed, I couldn't get mad at them for it. The nurse told us that they expected a few discharges later that day and that tomorrow should be more promising, but to call first, just in case.

So, Friday morning at six we called obstetrics to see if there were beds available. There were three. As long as we got there before anyone else and as long as there were no emergencies, I would be induced! And by 10:30 on Friday, May 11, I was.

Yeah, I got breakfast!

I was given Cervadil as I was still not quite dilated enough for my water to be broken. After an hour of being monitored, 45 minutes of walking, and another twenty of monitoring, I was sent home to wait for labour to pick up.

At around 3 o'clock that afternoon I started to notice some mild contractions and started timing them. By mild I mean that I couldn't even really feel them. They only way I knew I was having them was because I could feel my belly go hard. If I didn't have a hand on my belly to feel them, I probably wouldn't even notice I was having them. They got gradually stronger, but remained low on the scale. I was a tad concerned, though, that they were very close together. From the moment they started they were 2-4 minutes apart. I knew that you were supposed to go to the hospital if they were less than five minutes apart and lasting 30-60 seconds for an hour. Mine had been averaging at 3 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds for several hours. At around seven Erik and I went to run some errands and go for a drive with my mum and brother. The nurse was supposed to call between 7 and 9 to check on my progress, so I told them that if we didn't receive a call by the time we got home, then we would call and ask if I should go in. We got home without a call, so Erik called obstetrics. He was told that I should wait until they were unbearable before I came in.

Right after the call, I went to the bathroom and when I stood up after felt a gush of water. It hadn't even been five minutes since Erik had gotten off the phone with obstetrics and he was calling back saying “Yeah, I just called like five minutes ago. My wife's water just broke, so it looks like we are coming in.”

In the next few minutes, Erik and Eric panicked, while Mum and I took our time and remained completely calm. I was actually shocked at how calm and in good spirits I was. Poor Erik was getting so frustrated with me. There he was in that typical father-to-be, rush to the hospital state of mind and I was taking the time to change my underwear and pants and to brush my hair, feeling no rush at all. My water actually gushed again while I was in the room changing. And I don't mean a trickle. It was a huge gush and it just kept coming. I always expected that when my water broke it would either be a gradual trickle or just one big gush. Mine just kept gushing though. Even on the way to the hospital and a couple of hours in to my labour, I was getting random gushes of water that soaked the floor or the bedding or my clothes. My belly shrank considerably before the baby was even born, just from all the water that came out!

I always said that when I went in to labour, I wanted it to be obvious. I wanted the mucous plug to come out in a big, messy glob and my water to break in one big gush like Niagara Falls. I definitely got my wish on the second!

Anyway, we arrived at the hospital just after eight. In the short time it had taken to drive from Petawawa to Pembroke, the intensity of my contractions had gotten much stronger! They weren't unbearable, but I definitely felt the pain and had to take a few deep breaths to get through them. By the time I was settled in the room and checked they were getting even stronger. I was still in pretty good spirits, though. In between contractions I would be adjusting my camera settings, trying to find the optimum settings for the low lighting in my room. When a contraction came I would pass off my camera, breathe through it, then take the camera right back and keep working.

Me fixing my camera between contractions.

I was disappointed to learn that I was only 3 cm when I was checked first. At that point things were getting much more intense and I couldn't imagine how much worse the pain was going to get if I still had 7 cm to go. I think it kind of scared and panicked me for a moment. At this time, my nurse asked me “On a scale from one to ten how painful are the contractions?” My least favourite phrase of all time is “On a scale of one to ten...”! I am so bad at trying to guess where my pain or discomfort level is. But, I was trying to be cooperative, so I told her a seven but that it was probably much lower than that in reality and I would be changing it to a four in a couple of hours when I was experiencing even stronger contractions!

Then the nurse showed me the tub. Oh, the tub! A hot bath has always been my best friend when I am not feeling well or experiencing particularly rough PMS, so when I was told that I could use the tub while in labour I was so relieved and happy! And the water worked wonders for a while. But even the water couldn't stop the contractions from getting more intense, until I was sick with them. Literally sick, I mean. I threw up twice in the bathroom and then again after I had gotten out of the tub.

Contraction as I was getting out of the tub.

That is when things started to get bad. I tried really hard to breathe through it, to consciously relax my body like I had learned years ago in yoga. It helped, but barely. I finally gave up on that and resorted to the good old vice grip on Erik's arm. And when that wasn't making me feel any better either, I decided I wanted an epidural. My contractions had never been more than 4 minutes apart, and by this time were two minutes apart and lasting a minute or longer each. That means, I only had about 30 - 45 seconds in between each contraction to rest and recover before the next one came like a wave. It was exhausting.

Contraction!

So, when Dr Yacoub came in to check me again (and I was only just barely at 4 cm), I requested the epidural. Or Erik requested it for me... I can't quite remember. I do remember that I was afraid that he wouldn't give it to me because I wasn't far enough along or something. He asked me at least twice if I was sure I wanted it. I think that was because I had told him I had wanted to try to do it naturally. But I was under no illusions. I needed the epidural.

And I remember too, too well how long it took for me to get the epidural! The blood work seemed to take forever to come back, and when it finally did it took forever for the anaesthesiologist to get there! It was early morning before they finally got things going and then she had to explain the epidural to me, what she was doing, and what the risks were. I seriously wanted to scream and tell her to just stick the damn needle in my back already!!! But I knew that she had to explain and make sure I understood before she could continue, so I held it in and tried to listen through the contractions.

The epidural took a while to set in with me. Longer than they or I had expected and when it did, it only numbed one side. So they had to put a pillow under one side to try to get the other side to go numb as well. Finally, both sides were numbed and it was a dream! Until it started to wear off not even an hour later... The contractions started to once again get more and more intense and closer and closer together (they had spaced out a bit due to the epidural). The worst of it was that the anaesthesiologist hadn't left orders for me to get another dose if it wore off, so the nurses couldn't do anything until they got permission from her.

Again, it seemed like forever and was probably about another 45 minutes or longer before I was approved for another dose. After the second dose was given, I was checked again and I was at 10 cm. Unfortunately, because I couldn't feel the pressure to push, we had to wait a while longer to push. After a while, the nurse decided that even though I wasn't feeling the pressure, we could try a few practice pushes to make sure I knew what to do when it was time to actively push. Well, I did such a good job pushing that we kept at it. I even had them impressed because I was flexible enough to use the hand grips for pushing to prop my feet against instead of the foot ones.

Pushing was absolutely the best part of the night (before baby was born, of course). I was relaxed and in a good mood. Even though my epidural was gradually wearing away with each push, I found the contractions much easier to handle. I loved the pushing part. I was even able to have a good conversation with the nurse in between pushes. It turns out I know her two kids. She was telling me about her twins, and what tipped me off was when she mentioned that her son was in to tae kwon do and had taught with the club on base. Well, I immediately made the connection to a guy I had gone to school with and his twin sister. After that we really hit it off and had a good conversation going.

Erik got right in to it, too. He was fascinated by watching my belly gradually move lower with each push. I remember him saying “Hey, I can see your ribs now.” And when the head started to move down and he was completely enthralled. He said “It's like watching the Discovery Channel in HD.” ... Yeaaah... At one point, he wasn't even up by my head supporting me. He was sitting on a chair at the end of the bed, just watching the head crown. I did get pissed off at him a couple of times because he wasn't counting for me. I really found the counting helped. The nurse had started counting for me and then Erik was supposed to take over. Well, he kind of just stopped and then I kept having to remind him to count for me.

Finally, it was time to call Dr. Yacoub. He was at the hospital within about 15 minutes and about another 15 minutes later at 4:22 AM on May 12, 2012 – a total of an hour and ten minutes of active pushing, Tristan was born. There was a moment of concern when I realized that he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and there was some trouble getting it off, but it was only a moment. He didn't really take that first loud cry. Rather he fussed. The nurse kept telling me to rub his back and keep him crying to get lots of oxygen in him. Her exact words were “We need to pinken him up.”

First time holding him as he was passed to me.

As soon as he was born, my first words were “You're all cheesy!” because he had vernix – the greyish, cheese-like substance that cover babies while in the womb – all over his back and then I told Erik to get the camera. Poor Erik, there I was telling him to take pictures and the doctor was trying to ask him if he wanted to cut the cord (which he did).

When all was said and done, I only needed one stitch and had no external tearing. Pretty good for having delivered a kid with a big head!

Tristan stayed with me for a good long time before the nurse took him to be assessed and cleaned up, which I was really pleased about. It had been something I had wanted but was too afraid to ask for. I was so glad when she told me he got to stay with me for as long as I liked. I will admit, I didn't keep him too, too long, though, because I was so eager to find out how much he weighed! Haha!

And just in case anyone is wondering, my little man scored a 9 on his Apgar. The only reason he didn't get a ten is because he didn't cry right away.

So, from the time my water broke to the time Tristan was born, it was only about eight hours of labour. For a first delivery, I think that is pretty darn good! Especially considering the horror stories you hear about 36 hour long labours... Yikes. I was lucky!

Over Due

Well, I am 41 weeks pregnant today. Officially one week over due. I am miserable, exhausted, and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I wish it were only a case of being impatient to meet my baby, of being uncomfortable and ready for the pregnancy to be over. I know that at the time, just being uncomfortable and impatient seemed like it was going to drive me crazy and that if baby didn't come soon I was going to go mad. I wish it were that simple now.

I wish that I was just uncomfortable. I wish that it was mostly an issue of impatience. I wish that lack of sleep was the only thing I had to worry about. But it's not and right now I wish I could go back to it all. On top of all of those things, on top of now being over due, I am sick. And not just a little (or even a bad) cold. I am beyond miserably ill. Sinusitis, respiratory tract infection, and I'm pretty sure there is some ache or infection brewing in my ears, as well. I won't go in to details, but we had a hell of a time finding something that I could take to battle all of this and not harm baby. Though I finally got something, it isn't a very strong antibiotic and takes longer to kick in. I have been on it since Monday and I don't feel like I have had any improvement.

I have been taking multiple over the counter, pregnancy safe products to try and supplement the antibiotics (tylenol, vicks, salinex, tea, ear drops). They are all just a temporary relief and it never lasts for very long. In the end none of it seems to have made any difference. In fact, I feel weaker and more miserable than ever. And now, on top of it, I have discovered blisters and swelling on the underside of my belly. I've had it for a while now, but only in the last few days has it become really painful and unbearable.

I thought I was "done" before, but now I know better. What I felt a week ago is nothing compared to how I feel now. I need to get this baby out of me. As much as I had hoped to be able to do this on my own, to let baby decide when he was ready to come, I don't think I can do it any more. I can't wait around for baby. I need something to happen now. I won't go in to much detail now, but I will say that we have already come home from the hospital three times, turned away because they were too busy and could not induce me as scheduled. I go back tomorrow for my fourth and hopefully final attempt. I don't know what I will do if I am turned away again. As I said, I am at the end of my rope. My body can't take too much more. Right now, induction seems like the only way I will get any kind of relief and proper treatment for my problems. I honestly believe that for the best interest of me and the baby, the baby needs to come out as soon as possible.

As it is, I cannot imagine how I will manage to go through labour and delivery like this. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally weak right now. Sometimes I have barely enough energy to sit up anymore. How am I supposed to go through hours of hard labour and then push a baby out of me? The only thing giving me inspiration right now, is that I know Mum did it with Eric. If she could do it, I have to believe that I can do it, too.

I will get through this, because I have to. I have no other choice. This baby needs to get out of me and there are only a few ways to accomplish that. I have to try to hold on and keep it all together until he is out of me. And then, I hope that I will have enough support and help to be able to just quit for a day or two and allow myself to get better.

It's not how I imagined things. It's definitely not how I want things to be. The last thing I want after having my baby is to pass off the duties to someone else and hopefully I won't have to. But I am at the point where I have to accept that I am not going to be in any shape to properly take care of myself and my son the way I had hoped. I am going to need to take all the help I can get. I've already begun to prepare myself for the fact that I probably will not be able to breast feed like I had hoped. I am really going to have to rely on other people to be able to feed him and take care of him for me. And after he is born, I might have to go on a stronger antibiotic which will mean that I probably will not be able to breast feed anyway. It is incredibly disappointing and I still pray that this stuff will finally kick in and work, but I need to prepare for it just in case.

My first priority is to get better so that I can be there for and enjoy my son...

Waiting Game

Well, Little Man, where are you? You are officially one day overdue and showing no signs that you are even considering making your arrival anytime soon. This is not very encouraging for me and the least you could do is give your mama a sign that something is happening. Anything...

I really suck at waiting games. I can't even imagine being one of those women who are ten days, two weeks, or even more over due. I'm not even a full day late and I feel like I am going to break down and cry if nothing happens soon. I would go crazy if I were allowed to go so far past my due date. As it is, five days seems like a lifetime. Part of me wants to go in and beg to be induced today. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen.

I don't think it would be so bad if my body would only give me some kind of sign that something was happening. A week ago I was getting all kinds of practise contractions all throughout the day and that gave me hope, but they just stopped this week. I haven't gotten more than a few a day and they are always very spread out. I feel like any kind of progress has just stopped. I don't even know how far dilated or effaced I am, or if the baby is even engaged. The doctor hasn't checked me in the last two weeks. I understand why. It really would make no difference how far along I am now because no matter what baby is coming within the week. However, I now have absolutely nothing to go by, no idea how far along I might be. It's quite frustrating... Like I said, if I knew something was happening, anything at all, I think being over due wouldn't be so difficult.

But, it is what it is. All I can do is try to help things along by staying active and hope that something happens on it's own. For all I know, half an hour from now my body could kick it in to high gear all of a sudden, or maybe it will build up gradually over the weekend, or maybe I will experience nothing at all and on Wednesday I will go in for my induction. I can't predict when labour is going to happen, so I'm just going to have to get used to the waiting game. At least until Wednesday...

Oh wait. Can I just add quickly that being miserably sick at nine months pregnant is no fun at all? It really isn't. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, aching ears, and a massive sinus headache. My throat is no longer sore, but the aching ears and sinus headache are still there. Add in nausea to the mix, from post nasal drip. There is absolutely nothing that the pharmacists deem safe for me to take, so I must suffer through until A). it goes away on it's own, B). I have the baby and can finally take some kind of medication to help ease the symptoms, or C). it becomes so bad that I develop an infection and have no choice but to take antibiotics. I think being sick is making it harder to wait as well. It is making these last few days of pregnancy absolutely miserable for me.

Okay, I'm done complaining now...

Due Date Bump :)

I haven't taken a bump photo in about a month now. I've been so tired and have never been in the mood to take one. However, today is a special day. It is my official due date! I figured a special day required a bump pic, so here are two. My next one will be taken from the hospital!

40 weeks! May 4, due date... as you can see, baby is still on the inside...

The harsh realities of pregnancy. One of the many sacrifices one must make for that perfect little bundle of joy. I'm still having trouble accepting them, but I thought the first step would be to stop hiding from them. So, here they are in all their glory. STRETCH MARKS!

Eviction Notice!

My Facebook status this morning :).

EVICTION NOTICE:

Dear Baby McFarlane,

Due to multiple complaints in recent weeks, including reports of rowdy late-night parties, excessive abuse to the residence (may I remind you that trying to kick your foot through the wall is unacceptable), unauthorized redecorating (squiggly, red lines all over the outside of the residence are both unattractive and not part of the original lease agreement)..., damage to the structure and foundation of the residence, and failure to pay rent in the last nine months, it is my duty to inform you that you must vacate your current residence, effective immediately. If you should fail to vacate within the next five days, you will be forcefully removed on Wednesday, May 9, 2012. No exceptions.

Your Mommy

P.S. I'm not kidding! Get out!

So that's it. We've set our induction date for Wednesday, May 9. I am still hoping that he comes before then, but it is nice to finally have an end in sight.

Things have been getting worse and worse by the day as far as discomfort goes. I barely sleep at all now. I'm exhausted 24/7. For my sake and all those around me, I hope this baby comes soon. Maybe then I will be able to pass him off for an hour or two and get a decent sleep for the first time in weeks. I am really lucky that I will have people who will do that for me.

However, I think I still have at least a few more nights of discomfort and insomnia. My little man is quite happy where he is. Even Dr. Yacoub remarked at how much amniotic fluid he still has. In most pregnancies, the amniotic fluid begins to deplete in the last few weeks of pregnancy, crowding the little one and causing them to become "quieter." Not me. For some reason, he still has lots of amniotic fluid, giving him plenty of room to play with. This means that I have one very active little one on my hands, all day long. In fact, I think he may be more active now than he was several weeks ago. This can end up being very painful for me! I just hope that the excess of amniotic fluid does not make him so comfortable that he waits it out to the very end. My fingers are crossed that he will come this weekend.

And considering the super moon we are supposed to have on Sunday, my wish just might come true. I don't know if there is any truth to the old wives tale, but I have heard a lot of people back up the stories. I will take anything I can get at this point, so a super moon sounds pretty good. Baby might be here by Monday morning.

In the meantime, I think lots of walking is in order to help get things moving along. Walking is still pretty hard for me to endure for more than fifteen minutes at a time, but I am going to try to push through. Hopefully it will help.

But no matter what, this kid is coming out on Wednesday, May 9! Or Thursday, May 10, if I am unfortunate enough to suffer through a very long labour... Either way, definitely a baby by the end of next week.

Officially a May Baby!

Hello, May!!!

I can't believe that it is already May 1st, and that I made it this far. I always figured that May would be the perfect month to have a baby (either that or September). No reason in particular. It just seemed right. And now I am so excited that our little guy will officially be a May Baby!

I know I have complained a lot, especially these past few weeks. Exhaustion, body aches and pains, and the general anticipation of wanting to meet my little man have made me grumpy. I will admit completely that I have become a total b-word and my family has been hit with the worst of it. I was just so done with this pregnancy. I often wished that he would come just a little early and end all of the discomfort and, for lack of a better word, misery. But now that I have made it to May, I wouldn't have it any other way. (That rhymed!)

To celebrate, I am going to try my very best not to complain or be overly grumpy today. I am just going to be thankful to have a healthy, full-term (and can I add very active?) baby growing inside of me. I am going to keep reminding myself that one way or another I am going to meet this little guy very soon, so there is no need to be impatient.

Let's see how long this positive attitude lasts... Haha :)

Wild Child

This kid is wild!

Aren't babies supposed to slow down their movements before birth? This little guy clearly did not get that message. At less than a week now until my due date, he is flipping everywhere. Rolling around, jabbing me, kicking me, having little parties... He just will not quit. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that space is getting a little tight in there. Even while I am having a contraction, he is pushing against it.

I won't lie. I am a little bit afraid of how this little guy is going to be once he is on the outside. This is what I think: Every day will be an adventure with him. I will never have another dull moment. I will definitely have to keep him very busy to keep him out of trouble. He will probably drive me absolutely crazy. And I will love him all the more for it.

Use some of that energy to hurry up and get here, little one! Mommy wants to meet you!

One Week Countdown!

Today I am just one week away from my estimated due date of May 4! This week can go one of two ways. It will either go by very quickly or very slowly. Either way, I will probably be running around at the last minute, trying to get everything done and ready.

Now that I am just one week away (give or take) I am definitely feeling more anxious and excited. Surprisingly, I don't feel very scared. I think at this point I am just ready to have him out of me and see what he looks like, finally get to hold him in my arms instead of in my belly. That is my focus, so all of the fear and anxiety is kind of secondary right now. I am sure it will be a whole different story once things actually get going and I've been in labour for a couple of hours. I will probably be a mess at that point. But, for now, I'm mostly just excited and ready to meet my baby.

I really hope that I go in to labour on my own, though. At my appointment yesterday, the doctor said that if I don't have the baby by my due date, we will definitely talk about induction next week. It's not that I'm afraid of being induced, I just know that knowing when it will happen, and having time to prepare myself and think about all the things that could happen will probably cause a lot of anxiety for me. So, I am definitely hoping that I go in to labour by my due date.

Having said that, if I go one day past May 4, I will be begging for the induction! This little guy isn't staying a moment more than he needs to! I'm ready for him to come out and I'm pretty sure he would enjoy a little more room to practise all of those crazy moves. He's getting quite cramped in there.

I still feel like he is a huge baby. Yesterday, my belly measured at 41 cm, or 41 weeks. Yikes. I am 39 weeks today. However, the doctor continues to insist that he is just the right size baby for me. I definitely hope he is right, because one of my biggest fears about delivery is having to push out a ten pound baby. I am hoping for a 7.5 lb baby. That would be my ideal. But, like everything else, I will just have to wait and see.

Sleep? What's that?

Another sleepless night... Only this time there are no cupcakes to keep me happy.

I am told to spend the last weeks before baby comes catching up on some much needed sleep because once he is here, I won't be sleeping much anymore. Well, I don't know how anyone expects me to get any kind of rest when I am constantly being woken up by cramps, contractions, heartburn, restless legs, leaking milk, constant need to pee, and baby parties. And those are just the pregnancy related culprits. That isn't even including the coughing, sinus pressure, post-nasal drip, and nausea I get from my sinus problems/allergies. Or the fact that Connery has suddenly decided that the best sleep positions are those that cause the most discomfort and awkwardness for me. Put them all together and you have a recipe for the world's worst sleep ever. I am about ready to give up on ever getting a decent night's sleep again.

Honestly, I think that I will actually get more sleep when the baby is here! Right now, just getting to sleep is impossible. I mean, as long as he is a reasonable guy and doesn't scream the entire night, I will at least be able to actually sleep in between the feedings and changings, and hopefully get a short nap or two in during the day when someone else is able to watch him. I won't have all these discomforts keeping me from just falling asleep or getting a quality sleep during the in betweens.

Besides, when I am up with the baby I will be doing something. Not like now, where I am up for hours on end just twiddling my thumbs.

The lack of sleep is starting to take it's toll on me. I am definitey more moody. I am exhausted all the time. I have no motivation and I can't concentrate on the things I am trying to do. I just hope that I am able to get just one or two good sleeps in before I go in to labour. I can't imagine going in to labour in the state I am in right now. I don't think I would be able to do it. I definitely wouldn't be able to do it naturally.

Anyway, I am exhausted. I'm going to try one more time to get some sleep. Wish me luck.

Contraction Fail :(

Woke up with some major contractions. I haven't been able to really feel contractions up until this point, but these ones I definitely felt! They were painful enough to wake me up, make me nauseas, and had me shivering and shaking so badly that I could hardly walk. I couldn't help but think, "Yes! This is it!"

Unfortunately, it only lasted about half an hour and then subsided. Now I am still getting contractions, but I don't feel them at all. Just the same old belly tightening that I have been getting on and off for the last few days.

How disappointing is that? Just enough to get my hopes up then, "PSYCH!" Ugh. Woke up thinking we might be heading to the hospital soon to have a baby, and instead all I get is another sleepless night.

I hope that those contractions were at least strong enough to help things along a little bit before they went away....

Despite being a fail at real labour, this has been a bit of a reality check. While I was still in the mind set that we might be going to the hospital tonight, I realized - and then panicked - that I don't have anything packed or even remotely ready to go. I have been meaning to pack my hospital bag for weeks now. I just haven't gotten around to it. I'm a terrible procrastinator. My excuse is that I have kind of been waiting for Erik to get paid next so that I can buy the things on my list that I am still missing. Now I am thinking that I should pack what I can just in case the real deal actually does happen sooner than later. I don't want to be completely unprepared when the time actually comes.

But I will deal with that in the morning. Right now, I am going to try to get some much needed sleep. If I really do go in to labour soon, I want to be well rested!

Gonna Have Me a Baby Soon!

Exhausted and so ready for bed, but I just wanted to update. I had my OB appointment this afternoon. First of all, my appointment was at 3:15 but I didn't get in until 4:30. He must have been having a busy day! The waiting room was packed when we got there and we ended up having to stand in the hall for an hour before some seats finally opened up for us. Also, it was incredibly warm in there! I was dying. My hands were so swollen and I was sweating so bad. I'm pretty sure it induced some contractions as well, because at one point my stomach was going super hard every 3 or 4 minutes and it lasted pretty much the whole time we were waiting. Nothing that I could really feel, but definitely contractions of some kind.

So, we finally got in to see the doctor and I had my first internal check. I was pretty anxious for this, mostly because I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I was also dying to find out if I had any progress or not. Turns out I am 1 cm dilated and the little guy is VERY low. I'm both not surprised and surprised by this. I knew that he had been moving down for the last couple of weeks, however, I was afraid that he had moved back up again because the last few days I have had incredibly bad heartburn and it felt like baby was constantly snuggled up right under my ribs. I've been very uncomfortable. But I guess he is just a big baby, because the doctor confirmed he is very low.

I haven't made as much progress as I would like, but 1 cm is still something and I will gladly take it! I'm definitely going to try to help it along with some walks, and see if I can get things moving along even more. I am definitely ready for this baby to make his big debut!

And he might be making that big debut sooner rather than later. Dr. Yacoub hinted that we might have a baby within the week! Crazy or what?! I mean, it's not definite and I am skeptical because I still feel like the little guy is quite comfortable where he is and isn't ready to go anywhere. I know that women can be 1-3 cm for weeks with contractions and everything, but still no baby. So, I take it with a grain of salt. But heck! The very idea that it is actually possible that we might have our little man by the middle of next week is just mind-boggling and awesome at the same time! I am really so ready and can't wait to finally meet him. The sooner, the better in my mind!

Oh, and my belly measured at 40 weeks today! Um, holy big baby! That is two weeks ahead of schedule. I've been growing by leaps and bounds these past two weeks. Two weeks ago I was measuring 34 weeks (at 36 weeks), last week I was measuring at 37 weeks (right on), and now 40 (at 38 weeks). Can we say growth spurt? I am kind of hoping that it is just my belly and baby isn't actually measuring super big, but I know better. I have a good size baby in me and it's pretty obvious. In fact, while sitting in the waiting room the mother of one of the other patients told me that I have the biggest bump she has ever seen... Um, thanks? Not quite sure how to take that. I never actually considered my belly to be that big. Apparently I'm either blind or delusional. However, if baby is measuring big, I am hoping it only aids my body in getting labour going a little early. Fingers crossed.

So yeah, very exciting appointment. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it's hard when I so badly want to believe it will happen any day now. All I can do is wait and see...

More Shower Pics...

Spoiled Baby!

My parents went out West to Winnipeg for Easter. I was very jealous of them because I haven't been to Winnipeg in years and I really miss it out there. I think that next summer I am definitely going to have to take Erik and the baby on their first trip West, show them all of my favourite places.

Anyway, while they were there, my Mum's family threw me a surprise baby shower! I was so touched that they did this, even though I wasn't there to enjoy it. I am seriously jealous that I didn't get any pizza and cheesecake, though! Haha, oh well. Here are some pictures of what Mum brought home for the little guy and me:

I can never have too many adorable blankets!

Erik was quite excited about these and can't wait to read the little guy bedtime stories. And thank you for the sweet bear, Konner!

 So many clothes, so little time! I see many outfit changes in my future. This is going to be one well-dressed baby.

Beautiful cards

Thank you so much!

Full-Term! And More Than Ready...

There's a full-term baby in my belly today! I am officially 37 weeks today and, as of now, the little guy can come at any time he likes without any major issues.

Unfortunately for me, I don't think he will take advantage of this fact. I'm pretty sure we are going to be in this for the long haul, right up to May. We seem to be measuring right on schedule now (my fundal height at my appointment yesterday was 37, so bang on) and there have been no other indications that he might be coming early. The doctor does say that he is moving down well, but he is supposed to be doing that now. Also, I have been experiencing what I am assuming are Braxton Hicks contractions, but again, those are pretty normal at this point and don't mean anything.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that the little man is taking the time he needs to get good and healthy before he decides to make his big debut. However, now that he is full-term and there is unlikely to be any major complications or health problems if he decided to come in the next week or two, I won't be upset if things were to move along a little earlier than planned. In fact, I would be quite relieved to have my body back, to be able to breathe normally again, walk and move around without the pelvic pain, not have to pee every five minutes, and to be rid of the overall discomfort of pregnancy.

This past week has been especially difficult as far as discomfort. I am exhausted all the time, whether I sleep well or not (usually not). My belly feels huge, heavy, and stretched to the limit. The underside of my belly feels chafed and incredibly sensitive. Since the little guy has started to drop, I have had a significant increase in pelvic pain, and now my hips crack every time I get up. My back has been killing me and makes it impossible to find a comfortable position. It's been a very uncomfortable few days and it just seems to be getting worse. I would gladly give all of it up, especially if it also meant I would finally get to meet my son and hold him in my arms.

However, I will also say that I would do it all again. The end result is far greater than any of the discomforts I have experienced along the way. I have never once wished that I hadn't gotten pregnant to avoid it all. And hopefully one day I will do it all again... just not right away. Maybe a couple of years down the road when I have forgotten about all of this...

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with me being glad that this pregnancy is almost over. It has definitely had it's incredible moments that I wouldn't trade for the world, but I am ready to have my baby in my arms now.

Not Quite What I Imagined...

Just one month (give or take) until my baby boy makes his big debut in the world! Just one month until I finally get to meet him, to touch him, and see his adorable face. Just one month until I take that final big leap in to motherhood. I won't lie, I am a little bit terrified and I'm not sure that I feel entirely prepared.

I know that I am prepared. We have almost everything we need to take care of a baby. He has a place to sleep, he will be fed, and clean. He will have all of his basic needs covered. Though I may not be an expert when it comes to taking care of a newborn, I think I know enough to keep him healthy and happy. For whatever I don't know, I have plenty of wonderful people who are more than willing to help me along and give me advice or show me how it is done. I have no doubt that once we get the hang of it, Erik and I will make pretty good parents.

Yet, I still cannot quite shake the guilt that things have not gone exactly as I had once planned.

When I first decided I wanted to have children (quite a while ago), I knew I wanted to raise them a certain way. The “optimal” way, I guess you could call it. Having studied child development and taken quite an interest in it, I was very set on raising my kids in a way that would provide them with all of the opportunities to really get the best out of each developmental stage. I wanted to have all of the toys and objects that would stimulate optimal brain development and learning abilities. I wanted to get specialized reading programs to help them learn more quickly. I really wanted to make the best out of this really critical time in their development. On top of it, I really wanted to raise my kids in the most natural and organic ways possible. I wanted to stay away from toxic paints and finishes. I wanted to get all organic linens for the bedding, even organic toys. I really wanted to give my baby the healthiest start in life.

I've had to really tone down those ideals. I feel like I have had to settle a lot. The biggest reason for this has been that we simply can't afford it. One of the curses of being young parents. I can't afford the organic linens and clothes or the fancy developmental toys and gadgets. As it is, almost everything we have has been purchased second hand and the problem with that is that it's never exactly what I want. We have a play mat, but it is only a very basic one. We have a mobile, but again, a very basic one. We have a stroller and car seat but it's not really what I would have picked. We have loads of clothes, but again, they are not really what I would have picked had I been able to choose.

I do not mean to put down or be sour about the gifts we have received and the things we have been able to get. I really, truly do appreciate every thing we have gotten from friends and family. We honestly would not be able to afford to have this baby if it weren't for the generosity of others and the great deals we have been able to find. I only mean to express how frustrating and, yes, a little bit disappointing, it has been to not be able to choose for myself and to have to settle on things that are not what I imagined having or being able to give to my son.

I know a lot of people who have done extensive research on every little thing for baby, from car seats and cribs to bottles and pacifiers, diapers, toys, mattresses, and linen. I never did any research, simply because I had no choice. We got what we could afford or what we found on sale or second hand, or simply what was available to us. It was an incredibly frustrating, stressful process for me. I'm admitting now that it was very hard for me and I think almost every shopping trip for baby ended in tears for myself because I was so frustrated and upset.

It is only more frustrating because I don't feel like I get the support that I am looking for from Erik. Organics and developmental stages and what not are just not important to him like they are to me. When we shop for baby, his biggest concern is price. I feel like whatever is cheapest is what we have to get. And usually cheap is the exact opposite of good-quality, environmentally-friendly, and toxin-free. Not to mention, he hasn't been very supportive at all with my decision to breast feed. He is so sure that I am doomed to fail and that I won't be able to handle it. I am kind of hurt by this. I just wish we were more on the same page.

Anyway, that is a whole other issue. Right now I just needed to express how I have been feeling very guilty lately about settling on the basics and not being able to give my son the absolute best and healthiest start in life. However, it is something I really have to learn to accept, because we just can't afford it. I have to do the best with what I have. It doesn't mean that I have failed as a parent. It doesn't mean my son is doomed to a life of illness or that he will be behind in school because he didn't have the best toys when he was a baby. He isn't going to get cancer because he slept in a bed with non-organic sheets. I have to keep telling myself these things and I have to start to believe them or I will always feel like I've failed. If I feel like I have failed, then I won't be able to be the best mother I can be and that is what is most important...

5 lbs, 9 ounces! Perfect!

Another good appointment today! Everything seems to be checking in perfectly. Baby is very healthy and we found out that as of Wednesday last week he was approximately five pounds, nine ounces (5lbs, 9ounces). He is a very good size. Not too big, and not too small. Just right. I'm very relieved. He should gain approximately two more pounds between now and my due date, so I think it is safe to say that he will be exactly where I want him - between 7 and 8 pounds. Phew!

Although the little guy is measuring well, my fundal height today was only measuring at 34 weeks. I will be 36 weeks in two days. I am a little concerned that I am measuring two weeks behind, but Dr. Yacoub didn't seem concerned at all, so I'm going to try not to worry too much about it. Baby will just be a little cramped for a while!

We did get to see him practising his breathing, which was very cool. I hope this means that he has nice, strong lungs. I don't think he will come early (in fact, I am starting to worry again that he will come late), but if he does it would be a great thing if he already had the hang of the whole breathing thing. :)

As for me, I'm healthy, too. I feel kind of silly because I never have any questions or big concerns when he asks me how I am doing or if I have any questions. He must have asked me three times today if I had any questions. I was almost going to ask "Why? Is there something I should be asking that I don't know about?" He seems satisfied with how things are going, though, so I don't think I have anything to worry about. I'm still gaining weight, but not as much as my last appointment. Two pounds in the last two weeks. Not bad. Now, hopefully I stay steady like this and don't have anymore freak weight gains.

My next appointment is next week. Hard to believe I am already at the weekly appointments! It's getting so close! And yet it still doesn't seem to be coming quickly enough for me...

Big Baby?

What has chubby cheeks, a big head, and an adorable nose?

... This little guy!!!

Isn't he a cutie? :)

My growth ultrasound on Wednesday went fantastic! At least, as far as I could tell... I don't get the results until my next appointment with Dr. Yacoub on Tuesday, but baby boy looked pretty big to me and Erik, and even the ultrasound tech commented on his big head. I am anxious to hear what the official estimate is. According to my books he should be about 4.5 lbs to 5 lbs, but I kind of have a feeling he is a little bit bigger than that.

I had a really great ultrasound technician this time. I've never had a bad one, but this one just kind of stood out and she seemed really nice. She did warn me that she probably wouldn't be able to get any good pictures of the little guy, simply because at this point everything is a bit squished up, but she was able to get some really good ones and even gave them to us at no cost. Shhh...

This one is of our boy playing with his little toes! The picture really doesn't do it justice. This was the cutest thing to watch and I honestly could have watched for hours. He was very active during the ultrasound and at some points didn't want to cooperate at all. He moved every time the tech tried to take his heart rate. It was great to see him moving around in there, though. I get to see him moving around all the time, contorting my belly in all kinds of weird ways, but it is a whole different thing to actually see him and see what he is really doing in there. I loved watching him move his arms, kick out his legs, play with his toes and suckle and smack his lips. And I cannot wait to be able to see him do all of those things in person!

After we got home from the ultrasound, I spent some time just looking at the pictures and trying to decide if I could see any recognizable resemblances. It's hard to tell, especially on a 2D ultrasound. And even though I did think I saw a few things that might resemble one person or another, I think I am just going to have to wait until he is born to know for sure. :)

Oh, and Erik said that he has a big nose. He totally doesn't. I think he has a very adorable, normal-sized nose.

Not too much longer...

34 weeks, 2 days...

...5 weeks, 5 days to go

Not too much longer now. Kind of starting to get scary, but incredibly exciting, as well. I can't wait to meet my little boy and finally see what he looks like! May can't come quickly enough! 

Definitely Still A Boy!

Good morning, world! I can't sleep, so I thought I would update you all on my prenatal appointment yesterday. There's not too much to say other than it went well, easy and quick (once we actually got in there). It usually does. I am so lucky in this pregnancy. I can only imagine that my next one will be the pregnancy from hell, just to get back at me for having such a good go at it this time around.

Anywho, I will start by saying that I really felt for Dr. Yacoub yesterday. He must have been making up for lost time because when we walked in the waiting room was packed and we all seemed to be booked for the same time. I'm sure I counted four of us, at least, who were supposed to be there for 10:30. Well, 10:30 passed and by the time 11:30 came around I still hadn't seen Dr. Yacoub. I'm definitely not complaining. I understand that he has certain priorities and you never know what he has been dealing with that morning. I think emergency situations and women in labour take precedence over me. Besides, we weren't really in any rush to be anywhere. However, I will complain that the waiting room was incredibly warm and dry. Being pregnant, I always feel very warm lately, so this was just very uncomfortable.

Once we were in, things were smooth, as per usual. I will say, he gawked at my weight gain in these past three weeks. "Five pounds?!?!" What could I do but shrug and give him a sheepish smile? At least it was better than I had expected (I was sure I was going to be eight pounds up). However, he isn't too concerned. Five pounds is pretty normal for a three week period. The shock was mostly because I haven't gained a lot of weight and now all of a sudden I've gained so much. He isn't concerned, so I'm trying not to be either.

He always asks how I am doing and how baby is doing. I feel kind of silly sometimes because I really have nothing to say. I mean, other than the typical aches and pains of pregnancy, I don't have any problems. My biggest issue so far has been the pelvic pain; speaking of which, I am happy to say that it is perfectly fine for me to go for walks as long as I am comfortable with it! Most appointments, however, our conversations go something like this:

"How are you feeling?"

"Good. Great."

"Any problems/concerns?"

"Nope."

"And how's baby?"

"VERY active!"

"Very good, let's take a look."

(The Reader's Digest version, but you get the idea.)

So, let's take a look at baby!

Baby was very active this appointment! His heart rate was at 153 and very strong. Last time he was a bit sleepy, I guess, because his heart rate was only in the 138-140 range. He also kicked the ultrasound wand very hard, which made Dr. Yacoub laugh.

He is head down, too. I am always relieved and glad to hear this because I am always paranoid that he has turned in to a breech position yet again. I was positive just Monday that he was breech, so either he turned again at the last minute, or I'm crazy. But Dr. Yacoub says that he is head is well down and he doubts there is any chance baby will be able to turn again between now and birth. I'm still hesitant to let my guard down. If any baby will manage to turn despite the lack of room, it's this little one. But my fingers are crossed and I'm happy that for now he is head down.

I am also happy to announce that little man is definitely still a little man! We got a very clear view of the boy parts on the ultrasound and I am very relieved. One of my biggest fears is that he will come out and, SURPRISE, it's a girl! I've been hearing too many stories of people who had been told they were having one thing and it came out another. I was even going to ask the ultrasound tech to double check at my next ultrasound appointment on the 28th. So, I was very relieved when Dr. Yacoub confirmed it for me a week early.

And more happy/relieving news. I am measuring 34 weeks, which is exactly where I am supposed to be! I've been so terrified that this is a giant baby and considering my weight gain, I was positive that I would be measuring two or three weeks ahead. Nope. I am right on schedule and I am very happy about that.

So, a very positive 34 week appointment! I have one more appointment in two weeks, and then after that it is once a week for me! Holy wow, I'm getting close!

Making Up For It...

The nurse jinxed me!

At my last appointment I had gained no weight in two weeks. The nurse remarked that she didn't understand how women like me could not gain a single pound for two weeks straight at this stage of their pregnancy. She then said, "Well, you'll make up for it next time."

Guess what.... I'm making up for it!!! Six pounds in two weeks and still four days until my next appointment! Thanks a lot...

I've increased my weight gain by 2/3 in the last two weeks alone. Up until my 31 week appointment, I had only gained a total of 9 pounds. At 33 weeks, I am up by a total of 15. I am praying that half of what I have gained these past two weeks is just water weight that doesn't seem to want to go away. However, my hopes are not high because I know that my appetite has been out of control lately and I have been a bit of a carb fiend. I'm pretty sure these pounds are here to stay. Joy...

Now I am terrified that this shocking increase in weight gain is here to stay and will become a trend for the next seven weeks of my pregnancy. I do not want to gain another 15 pounds before the end of this!

Ugh. :(