Over Due

Well, I am 41 weeks pregnant today. Officially one week over due. I am miserable, exhausted, and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I wish it were only a case of being impatient to meet my baby, of being uncomfortable and ready for the pregnancy to be over. I know that at the time, just being uncomfortable and impatient seemed like it was going to drive me crazy and that if baby didn't come soon I was going to go mad. I wish it were that simple now.

I wish that I was just uncomfortable. I wish that it was mostly an issue of impatience. I wish that lack of sleep was the only thing I had to worry about. But it's not and right now I wish I could go back to it all. On top of all of those things, on top of now being over due, I am sick. And not just a little (or even a bad) cold. I am beyond miserably ill. Sinusitis, respiratory tract infection, and I'm pretty sure there is some ache or infection brewing in my ears, as well. I won't go in to details, but we had a hell of a time finding something that I could take to battle all of this and not harm baby. Though I finally got something, it isn't a very strong antibiotic and takes longer to kick in. I have been on it since Monday and I don't feel like I have had any improvement.

I have been taking multiple over the counter, pregnancy safe products to try and supplement the antibiotics (tylenol, vicks, salinex, tea, ear drops). They are all just a temporary relief and it never lasts for very long. In the end none of it seems to have made any difference. In fact, I feel weaker and more miserable than ever. And now, on top of it, I have discovered blisters and swelling on the underside of my belly. I've had it for a while now, but only in the last few days has it become really painful and unbearable.

I thought I was "done" before, but now I know better. What I felt a week ago is nothing compared to how I feel now. I need to get this baby out of me. As much as I had hoped to be able to do this on my own, to let baby decide when he was ready to come, I don't think I can do it any more. I can't wait around for baby. I need something to happen now. I won't go in to much detail now, but I will say that we have already come home from the hospital three times, turned away because they were too busy and could not induce me as scheduled. I go back tomorrow for my fourth and hopefully final attempt. I don't know what I will do if I am turned away again. As I said, I am at the end of my rope. My body can't take too much more. Right now, induction seems like the only way I will get any kind of relief and proper treatment for my problems. I honestly believe that for the best interest of me and the baby, the baby needs to come out as soon as possible.

As it is, I cannot imagine how I will manage to go through labour and delivery like this. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally weak right now. Sometimes I have barely enough energy to sit up anymore. How am I supposed to go through hours of hard labour and then push a baby out of me? The only thing giving me inspiration right now, is that I know Mum did it with Eric. If she could do it, I have to believe that I can do it, too.

I will get through this, because I have to. I have no other choice. This baby needs to get out of me and there are only a few ways to accomplish that. I have to try to hold on and keep it all together until he is out of me. And then, I hope that I will have enough support and help to be able to just quit for a day or two and allow myself to get better.

It's not how I imagined things. It's definitely not how I want things to be. The last thing I want after having my baby is to pass off the duties to someone else and hopefully I won't have to. But I am at the point where I have to accept that I am not going to be in any shape to properly take care of myself and my son the way I had hoped. I am going to need to take all the help I can get. I've already begun to prepare myself for the fact that I probably will not be able to breast feed like I had hoped. I am really going to have to rely on other people to be able to feed him and take care of him for me. And after he is born, I might have to go on a stronger antibiotic which will mean that I probably will not be able to breast feed anyway. It is incredibly disappointing and I still pray that this stuff will finally kick in and work, but I need to prepare for it just in case.

My first priority is to get better so that I can be there for and enjoy my son...