I'm baaaack

Why hello there! Long time no blog!

It's only been nearly a year... and boy do I have a lot to catch up on.

Of course, Tristan is growing like a weed. Nearly 15 months old, but I would swear he is closer to two with the trouble he has been making lately. You know the cover of the book "I Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch? Yeah, that's Tristan right now. Toilet paper everywhere, things thrown in the toilet. He can and will get in to anything he is not supposed to. He is always getting hurt. And he refuses to nap in the afternoon! I am so not ready for him to give up his afternoon naps!

But all in all, he is a wonderful little boy (not a baby anymore!) and he is the light of my life. He is incredibly smart and independent, which means trouble for us more often than not. He blows my mind sometimes. But he still does not talk. He 'talks' and babbles non-stop. There is no doubt that this little man has things to say! But no proper words yet. Though, I worry a little, we are just giving him time and encouraging him a lot. I think that once he starts speaking he won't stop, so I think I can wait a little bit longer...

He loves Blues Clues and his Subway Monkey.

The family is doing well. Back in June we moved in to Audrey and it's been an adjustment, but a good one. It's great having a house that is all our own. We are still settling in, finding our groove, decorating it, making it our home. I think once we finally get some pictures on the wall it will feel better, more like ours.

Tristan took to the house immediately and he truly does rule the place. The dogs have had a harder time adjusting, but I think they are finally settling also. I am still adjusting, I think. It was harder than I thought to make the move. I have my studio, though, and that truly feels mine. Whenever I look at it, I feel so much pride in what I've made and accomplished.

Photography is going well for me. My business is growing and I've just celebrated one year since opening. It's been a pretty successful first year and I can't wait for my second. There are things I still have to iron out, but for the most part the first year has been wonderful. I have really fallen in to the newborn niche and I am loving it! As I mentioned, I have my own room just for my photography and it feels so good to have an official studio area. I still have some work to do on it. It needs photos and a few other little touches (like maybe a couch!) but it looks really great already.

So what brought me back to the blog I have neglected for the better part of the year?

I don't really know, to be honest. I guess I just felt like I needed something, someplace to talk. And maybe I feel like there is so much going on that I feel I need to get it all down someplace or else I will forget it. I think, also, that I needed something to keep me focused. I have felt really overwhelmed and chaotic lately and I think that bringing back my blog will help focus and organize all of that. It might even hold me accountable so that I will actually do some of the things I say I want to do.

So here, I am. Ready to blog. I'm giving the blog a big facelift and then maybe I will bring back some old projects like the Day Zero Project and 52 weeks of Pinterest. Who knows... we'll see how it goes.

:)

Tristan's New Toy

As a photographer, I am on my computer A LOT! Editing, posting galleries, answering e-mails, research, workshops, etc. And of course, as Tristan is with me all day, every day he is around my computer a lot. And apparently he wants to be just like Mommy because he loves to grab at it and bash the keys and watch the screen.

So, I had the great idea to get him his own computer! We went to Wal-mart and I found this awesome iPad-like thing for babies 6-months +. Well, Tristan is nearly five months, so I figured close enough. Perfect! Get to the car... realize it is just a case to put around an iPad to protect it so baby can play learning games. I, of course, had two choices: go back to Wal-Mart and buy an $800 iPad OR return the toy. Yeah, that was an easy decision... although I will admit I was tempted for a moment.

Mum went back to return it (Tristan and I stayed in the car because it was too much of a hassle to load him up in the stroller again and all go in) and while she was there she found this other laptop toy.

The package said 4-7 years, but it makes fun sounds and the screen does fun things, so it had Tristan's attention right away. Sure enough, he loves it. And so does Mommy! It is amazing how addictive 4-year-old language and math games are...

Here is a photo of Tristan enjoying his new toy.

You know, I always wanted to be one of those crunchy/yuppy mommies who use cloth diapers, breastfeed exclusively for a year, surround their babies with all natural things, have all kinds of educational and stimulating toys and such, do not let their children watch TV or use computers until they are a certain age, etc...

Yeah, I should have known that was never going to happen. We do use cloth diapers, but I will admit I have been slacking and using the disposables a lot more. Breastfeeding went out the window at two weeks old. All natural, environmentally friendly products are SOOOOO expensive and considering we got pretty much everything second hand... yeah I didn't have much of a say in that. As for educational and stimulating toys, I have been trying my best with that with what I can afford but of course, all the really cool stuff is really expensive. TV and computers? Ha! As I mentioned, I am on my computer constantly so there is no way Tristan wouldn't have some interest in it. And although we rarely watch regular TV, we have movie nights often and Tristan joins us in watching a movie on our 55-inch TV. So yeah, pretty much everything I was determined to do has been thrown out the window... 

I think I am okay with it, though. Some things I wish I was a little more diligent on such as the cloth diapers. Breastfeeding was mostly out of my control and I have come to accept (for the most part) what happened. I still feel a little bit of resentment over not having any control over what we bought, but there was nothing I could have done about that anyway because we couldn't afford all that wonderful organic stuff. And now I am reconsidering the whole computer and technology thing because I have realized that it is a skill he is going to need in this day and age, depriving him of that would probably only hold him back. So, yeah, I'm starting to accept the way things have worked out. 

I am a lot more relaxed than I wanted to be, but that's okay. 

First Taste

I was going through some photos from the last couple of weeks and realized that I haven't posted any photos on here in a while. So, I thought I would share a few from Tristan's first encounter with solids...

Judging by the faces he made, I think it is safe to say that he did not enjoy it at first. However, we have tried it a few more times since and he is getting the whole eating idea. He opens his mouth for the spoon now and "chews" the food and swallows. For the most part.... Sometimes if you are talking to him or something, he will get this big smile before he swallows and all the food just sort of dribbles out of his mouth. It's pretty funny. 

At the moment, the solids are just a sort of trial. I give them to him every once in a while (maybe, every two or three days) just to get him used to them and used to the idea of eating off a spoon. Once he is comfortable with that, sometime around the five or six month mark, we will start feeding him actual pureed foods. Now that will make for some interesting faces! Can't wait... :)

Self-Doubt is a B-word...

I am about ready to just throw my hands up with this whole photography business!

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my photography. I really, really love it and I can't see myself doing anything else. Sure I pull my hair out after every shoot thinking I've ruined it all, but when all is said and done, I am really happy with my work and what I am doing. I am having a great time learning new things and seeing my business grow with little baby steps.

It's a slow process, and I fully expected that when I started. I knew it would take a while, several years at least, to really find my style, work out the kinks, and build my reputation. That comes with any business. And to be honest, things are moving more quickly than I ever expected and it's great, but I still know it will take time.

So, what is the problem?

Let me fill you in on a little fact... there are at least 30... probably many more photographers serving this area. And I mean, we are not a big area when you really think about it. Pembroke/Petawawa and maybe a bit of Chalk River/Deep River. If you know this area, you know that it really isn't all that big. But there are 30-40 or more photographers - amateur, professional and everything in between - all competing. It's cut throat. Rates are ridiculously low because everyone is trying to under cut each other - this made it incredibly difficult for me when creating my prices because I knew that I really should be charging more, but at the same time I had to stay with my competition and my competition is charging practically nothing. It is very, very frustrating and I can only imagine how the real professionals feel about it.

It certainly doesn't help that every time I turn around, another photographer is offering their services. It seems that everyone and their dog is a photographer these days.

I don't know, I guess I am just feeling incredibly overwhelmed and intimidated by all of the competition. It doesn't matter that some aren't even good. They are cheap and I am finding people don't care that the photos aren't good and I've seen better photos with an iPhone, all they see is cheap and $50 for an hour session and every single damn photo that was taken, edited or not, in focus or not, good or not. Drives me up the wall how people can be so ignorant of what good photography actually is.

I'm not the best photographer in the world. I'm still learning. But I know I have potential and I am trying my best to tap in to that and learn more and more all the time. I also know that I am a lot better than a lot of the other amateur photographers in this area. And I know that with a few more years of practice and experience I will be just as good as some of the professionals.

But what gets me almost as much as the amateurs who aren't really that good... those that actually have potential and are good. I will come out and completely admit that I have an intimidation problem. I get intimidated very easily, probably because I am overly self-critical and a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. It is one of my biggest flaws. I'm not proud of it. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I get incredibly discouraged when I see photographers popping up that are actually good, or have the potential to be very good.

And that is where I am now. Several new photographers have popped up that are really quite good and I am feeling a little sub-par (sp?). Yeah, yeah, pity party for one over here. Of course, once I go back and look at my photos I feel a little bit reassured. I am good, just as good or better than a lot of people. But I don't see that. I have a very hard time seeing it when my vision is clouded with other people's photos.

It's something that I am just going to have to get over, because I will never get better if I am constantly worrying about competition and comparing myself to them. I will never find my own style if I do that. I will never be as good as I could be. A little bit of competition is good, it can keep you on your toes, get you to try new things, and force you to better yourself. However, when it starts discouraging you and making you second guess your abilities, then there is a problem.

I am not going to give up on myself and my business. I have felt like I want to several times lately, but I won't. Because I know that despite my self-doubt, I really am good and I really do have potential. With the right education and knowledge, and some experience and experimentation, I will find my own style and in a few years people will come to me because of that. I just have to hang in there and that is exactly what I plan to do.

Worry and Anxiety

Feeling like a paranoid mama tonight.

I have absolutely no reason at all to believe that anything bad might happen, however I just can't shake this feeling that something will go wrong. I get this feeling often and I know that it is completely unjustified. Nothing bad has ever happened. So why can't I get rid of it?

There are often nights that I hardly sleep. When I do sleep, I wake up often to check on Tristan, check the locks on the doors, make sure windows are all closed and secure, the oven is off, everything that shouldn't be plugged in isn't. Anything that could go wrong goes through my mind and I have to make sure that it won't.

My fears that something will happen to Tristan are the worst. I wish we could afford one of those special monitors that monitor their breathing and have an alarm if they do not breathe for a certain amount of time. I think it would make me feel a lot better. Maybe I would sleep better. I don't know.

I just can't imagine anything happening to Tristan. Actually, let me rephrase that, I can imagine it and it is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. It terrifies me. Tristan is my world and I don't know how I could survive if anything ever happened to him.

Ugh, I hate this feeling. I hate thinking about it. But it is always there in my mind. I don't know how to find some peace.

I just needed somewhere to post this little rant. I know I kind of babbled on, but I needed to get it out.

Anyway, it is getting late here and I really should at least try to settle and get some sleep.

Goodnight world.

Where Have I Been?

So, if you have been wondering what I have been up to lately, I'll fill you in.

I have taken a huge leap and jumped head first in to starting a photography business! Big deal, I know. I never thought I would be the owner of my own business, but here I am, well on my way.

It all started about a month ago. I created a Facebook business page just for kicks really. Now I have had about seven shoots, including one newborn. Not all of them paid, but shoots nonetheless. I also photographed Ashlee and Andrew's wedding. Big learning experience, but I could definitely get used to it with some more experience and practise. I have two more newborns on the way, one maternity, a couple of back-to-school and two family shoots between now and October. It has definitely picked up quickly! For my first month in business, I have got to say that I have done fairly well. I even have my own website!

www.cherishedmemoriesbyem.com

Right now I am just working on getting my name out there. I've been offering a portfolio discount to get myself started, get some shoots in to build my portfolio up. And I just have to say that I think I improve with every shoot I do. Just looking back at photos from a month ago and photos now, there is a huge improvement. And that is the goal, isn't it? To always be improving yourself and your work.

Getting my name out there isn't easy, though. Especially not with over 30-40 other photographers in the area, and several just starting to promote their businesses like me. There is a lot of competition. It is tempting sometimes to lower myself to get more business, to offer cheaper prices, to give more photos, etc. But I have to remind myself that in the end, I come out looking like the better, more professional photographer. So, I lose a few jobs because I'm not charging ridiculously low or giving 150-200 photos for each 1 hour long session. It's worth it, or it will be in the end.

I have been pretty full steam ahead with this photography business. It has evolved quite quickly. Once I decided it was what I was going to do it all happened so fast. I think I have gotten a bit ahead of myself in some respects. I do have to learn to be more patient. That A). I will not be a phenomenal photographer overnight, B). my business will not take off overnight, and C). that I will not have all of the equipment/props that I want overnight. It's going to take time, effort, and a whole lot of money.

But, it is coming and it will continue to grow. I cannot wait to see where I am this time next year.

So yeah, that and Tristan have been keeping me very busy. Tristan especially...

I seriously cannot believe the rate at which that boy is growing. Craziness.

Tristan is 3 Months!!!

Well, it has been a while. Too long. I miss writing here and I feel bad for having neglected it for so long. My life has been so busy lately, but I promise that I will try to do a better job of updating regularly.

Tristan was three months old as of Sunday, July 12. Three months old! Wow. He is getting so big. It amazes me every single day just how much he has changed. It honestly seems like everyday I look at him and think "Did you get bigger since yesterday?", especially since he has been going through his 3 month growth spurt. He won't be weighed and measured until Thursday, but I am guessing that he is closing in on 15.5 - 16 pounds and 26 inches. I will let you know the exact numbers when I find out on Thursday.

Not only is Tristan growing in size, but he is also growing developmentally really well. He has started rolling over, although it is still hit and miss. We know he can do it. He has done it enough times now that I think it is safe to say that he has hit that milestone. However, sometimes he just won't do it. He has also started trying to roll from back to belly. He's not quite there yet but he has almost done it a few times so we know he is trying.

My little man is such a happy baby, too! It is almost always so easy to make him smile and giggle. He "talks" a lot, cooing and gurgling and squealing. Sometimes it really sounds like he is trying to form little sentences. He is so animated when he does this that it really seems like he is trying to converse with you. He started laughing a while ago, however, he mostly only does it for Daddy. I have only been able to get him to belly laugh once or twice.

Unfortunately this recent growth spurt has turned my normally sweet, happy, easily pleased baby in to a big fuss pot, grumpy pants. It has been a rough two weeks so far. It has been even more difficult lately because he has decided to boycott his naps and will not nap for more than ten minutes at a time (20 if I am lucky). I am definitely not used to this new Tristan and I will admit I get quite flustered and frustrated when he starts fussing and acting up. I am just hoping that this is only a phase and that he will go back to my easy going baby soon.

I'm not saying that he is always grumpy and fussy (although it certainly seems like it sometimes). He still has lots of happy, smiley moments. Here is a photo of my little man's smile.

Nothing compares...

Tristan loves the camera, by the way. I definitely think that he thinks I have a camera permanently attached to my face. Haha!