An Unimaginable Loss...

"An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, Then she whispered as she closed the book, 'Too beautiful for earth.'"

I learned today that a friend from one of my Facebook Mom groups delivered her baby boy today... He did not make it.

I am heart broken for her. I've cried for her and for her baby boy. I can imagine what she is going through. As a mother who worries constantly about losing my baby, I can, unfortunately, begin to imagine what I would feel if I were in this situation. It doesn't even scratch the surface of what I know she must be going through, though. And I absolutely hate that this had to happen to her, that it has happened to anyone and will happen to more people. But especially her. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to lose their child, and here she is, one of the most wonderful and supportive women I've ever known and she lost her little boy so soon after meeting him. It breaks my heart a hundred times over every time I think about it, and it makes me feel angry. Angry and devastated and anxious and paranoid and helpless.

Upon hearing the news this afternoon, I felt completely helpless. I had no idea what to say. I wanted to say something meaningful and profound and kind and special. I wanted to say something that would take some of the hurt away for this special mama, her fiance, and their families. But what do you say in this kind of situation? What words could ever make the hurt go away? There is nothing anyone can say that will bring Asher back or take away the pain his family is feeling. There is nothing that could come close to accomplishing any of that.

This quote was posted by one of the other moms and it really touched my heart. It's as close as it gets to words of comfort in a situation like this. It made me feel some peace about the whole situation and I hope it does for this mama, if she ever sees it.

I might not believe in angels and god and heaven, but in a situation like this how are you supposed to admit that such a precious life that never got to be is just gone. I might not believe, but right now I want nothing more than to believe that there is somewhere special where that little baby can look down from and always watch over his mama, so just for a little while, that is exactly what I am going to let myself think. I am going to allow myself to imagine Asher as a little angel looking down on all of us and I'm not going to allow myself to think of the reality of this terrible situation. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I am definitely holding Tristan a little closer, a little tighter, now. Every little moment I spend with him seems infinitely more precious now.

My worst fear in the entire world is losing him. Now more than ever, that fear seems a little more real. I find myself unable to sleep and constantly checking in on him, sitting on the monitor and holding my breath between every little sigh and murmur. I have always been terrified that something will happen to him. SIDS constantly haunts my thoughts. What happened today only makes me more paranoid. I hope this feeling of dread leaves soon... I want to enjoy my baby, not live in dread every moment I can't be watching him directly (and even then...)

Please, anyone who reads this, keep Baby Asher and his mama in your thoughts and prayers. Send his family thoughts of strength and peace. It's not much, but it helps me to know that people are thinking about her and her baby. Asher deserves to be thought about.

The ribbon our mom group designed in memory of Asher.

Tristan - Two Weeks Old!

At two weeks old, my little man has gained a full pound since leaving the hospital (he is now 8 pounds, 11.5 ounces) and 3/4 of an inch (21 and 1/4 inches). His head circumference measures 37 cm. He has grown and changed so much in the last two weeks. Part of me cannot wait to see how he will change next, and another part is a bit sad that he is growing so quickly. He won't be my little baby boy for much longer. Before I know it he will be a teenager! Yikes!

Saturday, May 26, 2012 - Nom, hand!

A thoughtful gaze.

Tristan is amazing. I don't think I could have asked for a better baby. For the first few days he pretty much would have slept through the night if we didn't have to wake him up for feedings. Now he wakes up twice most nights. Once around 11:30 - 12:30, depending on when we put him to sleep, then again around 4:30-5:00. He eats really well. Too well. He did well at breastfeeding when I was able to do it. Unfortunately, he did not take to the breast very well after I finished the medication, but as long as he is eating well and thriving on the formula, I can't complain.

He is, for the most part, a content baby. Except for a few fussy experiences we have had, he generally only cries when he is very hungry, or when he has wet his diaper. I swear that he is already "smiling". It's not legitimate smiles because he is happy, but it is definitely not a gas face either. It's almost like he is "testing out" the expression and he usually only does it as he is falling asleep. The other day I was so sure I heard him laughing over the monitor. And when I checked on him he was fast asleep with that little "smile" on his face.

He absolutely hates his baths at this point. But as soon as he is swaddled in the fuzzy towel and cuddling up to Mommy, he is content again. It's one of my favourite moments.

I love everything about him, but I especially love the ways he sleeps...

Sunday, May 27, 2012 - Two weeks, one day.

 Monday, May 28, 2012 - Two weeks, two days. Crazy little wiggle worm.

 ... And his funny little faces.

Monday, May 28, 2012 - Two weeks, two days.

Rough Night With Tristan...

First "rough" night with Tristan last night... I feel for mothers who have colicky children. I don't know how you do it.

Tristan has always been so good. He eats well, sleeps well, and only really fusses or cries when he is really hungry or when he is wet - he hates being wet! He sleeps so well at night and only wakes up about two or three times after we put him to bed. And then he is generally pretty easy (at least for me) to get back to sleep. I am the first to admit I have had it easy with this little guy!

Even last night was nothing compared to what some people have to go through every single night and day with their little ones. But for me, well, it was a little rough.

We went to bed around 7:30. I know, we're lame, but I figure that the earlier we go to bed, the longer we have to sleep. So, 7:30 we were all in bed. Quarter to eight, Tristan decides that he is not quite ready for bed yet. That's fine. He's hungry. Since I am off my medications now, I decided to try him at the breast again. Well, that wasn't so successful and he starts screaming bloody murder. I had some pumped milk, so I tried giving that to him. Again, no luck. He spit the milk right out and then refused to take the bottle. I won't go in to how discouraged and failed I felt. That is another post all together!

Screaming baby in my arms, I managed to fumble through making a bottle of formula. The moment I put it to his mouth he started gulping it down. He got about an ounce and then for no apparent reason he just started wailing again! Figured he needed to burp, but he fought me and cried the whole time. And even when he had burped, he still screamed. He kept putting his hands in his mouth and sucking on them, opening his mouth wide and looking for a bottle or smacking his lips. I knew he was starving, but every time I put the bottle to his mouth he would take a few sucks and then spit it out and start crying again. I tried the soother and that calmed him for a few minutes. But, same as the bottle, he would eventually spit it out and start up again.

I tried everything I knew that usually seems to calm him when he is upset. Swaddling, changing him, lying him on my chest. It would calm him for a few minutes. Then, just as I would start to relax and get ready to put him in his crib, he would get upset again. I had no idea what else to try. I was overwhelmed and tired and anxious. I was really troubled that I couldn't help him. It wasn't long before I was in tears as well.

Then Mum suggested she go to the store and get some gripe water. Before I could even say yes, Erik said no. I was so angry with him. Here I was, at my wit's end trying to help our son, willing to try anything that might make him feel better and Erik had to be all stupid and prideful. He hates accepting help. He doesn't want to feel like he can't provide for his family, that he can't do something himself. I understand, but I had a screaming baby who wasn't taking to anything I had tried. I wasn't going to turn away help or a suggestion, something that very likely would make him feel better, just because of Erik's pride. I finally made him go wake Mum up and ask her to get the gripe water for us.

And thank goodness I did! The gripe water worked like a charm! A couple medicine droppers full later and Tristan was instantly his happy, contented self again. He took the bottle immediately and downed the entire thing and then some. Then he went right to sleep and we didn't have any more tummy problems all night.

We didn't have anymore tummy problems, but he must be going through a growth spurt or something because we were up almost every two or three hours with him last night. At midnight he drank more than six ounces! Four ounces of formula and he even took two ounces of breast milk (from the bottle). He then proceeded to spit all of it up an hour or two later, soaking his bed and himself.

So, that was my night and I hope that it was a one time thing, at least for another two weeks or so. I don't think I could do that every night!

And poor Erik, I made him get up almost every time. I feel bad every time I make him get up. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him, and that's basically exactly what I am doing in my exhausted haze. To my credit, I was up with Tristan until 10:30. Erik went to bed at 9:00. But, I still feel guilty. Tonight I'll give him a break and try to take all of the mid-night wake ups.

Healthy Little Man

Tristan had his first doctors appointment yesterday. He is doing wonderfully! My little man has gained almost a whole pound in just ten days. When we left the hospital he weighed 7 lbs, 11 oz. Yesterday, he was 8 lbs, 10 oz. Wow! And his head circumference was 15 inches. No wonder none of the hats that I made fit him well...

He does have some gunked up eyes, but we are reassured that it is completely normal, just the tear ducts clearing out.

Tristan is the best baby. He eats well, sleeps well. He hardly ever full-out cries, although he does fuss sometimes. I can't complain about night-time wake ups because they are really easy as well. He gets up about three times over the course of the night. Feed him, change him, read to him for a few minutes and he goes right back to sleep. I'm not up for hours on end trying to soothe a fussy baby. It's quite wonderful.

Developmentally he seems to be doing really well, too. He is getting really good at holding up his head and looking around. I think it might be time for some tummy time soon.

I am so glad that he is growing so well. It is a little sad to realize that he is growing so quickly, but I am mostly happy that he is healthy and on track.

As for me, I have lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. Just 10 more to go until I am at my pre-pregnancy weight. I am starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow and hopefully in a few days when I am feeling more up to it I will start working out again, too. Also, aside from the rash and the UTI, I am perfectly healthy. :)

One Thing After Another

Drowning in a stormy ocean. A wave knocks you down, tosses you about, batters you against rocks and reefs. You struggle for air, fight your way back to the surface, and just as you are about to break free and take that first gulp of fresh air, another wave crashes over you sweeping you up with the current once again. Then another, and another come in an endless torrent.

That is the only way to describe what my body has gone through these last few weeks. First it was the general discomforts of pregnancy - aches and pains, insomnia, etc - then I found out I had a respiratory infection and sinusitis. I hadn't even recovered fully from that when I went in to labour and had to deal with the after pains from that. Two days later, I got a terrible rash from head to toe that still has not disappeared completely. Finally, just the other day I discovered that I have a urinary tract infection that I wasn't even aware of. I have been in and out of the ER about three times since having Tristan, to the walk-in clinic once, and to my family doctor once. I have been on a slew of medications including antibiotics, steroids and several over the counter and home remedies.

It has been rough. Especially this rash. Until a day or two ago, it was so bad that I couldn't even hold Tristan for more than a few moments. His body heat made my rash burn and itch so terribly. I was in agony. Nights were the worst. Every night I was up sobbing and begging somebody, anybody, to make it stop. Nothing helped. The antihistamines have had no effect and creams and such are only very temporary forms of relief. It has been hell. Not only on me, but on the whole family.

Erik has been a godsend through this entire ordeal. He was amazing and patient and calm and loving through it all. He comforted me every night when I woke up sobbing and writhing and panicked. He remained calm even when I was completely irrational. He coaxed me to take cold showers, then patted me dry and rubbed lotions and gels over every inch of my body. He brought me ice packs and made sure I took my medication exactly when I was supposed to. He held my hands away when I began to scratch. And even as he did all this, he was also taking care of a newborn. For a few days there, he did all of the feeding, changing, etc. He woke up in the middle of the night (if he wasn't already up dealing with me) and took care of Tristan so that I could rest. I don't know what I would have done without him.

Everything he has done for me this past week has made me fall in love with him a hundred times over again. I couldn't have asked for a better, more loving, and patient husband. I have no idea how I will thank him for being there for me when I needed him the most.

But things are finally looking better. My legs still itch like mad, and sometimes it gets so bad that I start to have an anxiety attack. At least I am able to hold Tristan now and in a few more days when I am finished my antibiotics for the UTI (and hopefully the rash will be gone as well) I will be able to start breastfeeding again. That has been the hardest part of this whole thing. Not being able to enjoy and be there for my son. It was incredibly painful to sit back and watch while Erik did all of the work, all of the bonding. As I said, though, things are finally starting to get better and I can finally enjoy Tristan and being a mother.

Introducing...

Tristan Robert McFarlane

Born May 12, 2012 at 4:22 AM

8 pounds, 1 ounce

20.5 inches long

Over Due

Well, I am 41 weeks pregnant today. Officially one week over due. I am miserable, exhausted, and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I wish it were only a case of being impatient to meet my baby, of being uncomfortable and ready for the pregnancy to be over. I know that at the time, just being uncomfortable and impatient seemed like it was going to drive me crazy and that if baby didn't come soon I was going to go mad. I wish it were that simple now.

I wish that I was just uncomfortable. I wish that it was mostly an issue of impatience. I wish that lack of sleep was the only thing I had to worry about. But it's not and right now I wish I could go back to it all. On top of all of those things, on top of now being over due, I am sick. And not just a little (or even a bad) cold. I am beyond miserably ill. Sinusitis, respiratory tract infection, and I'm pretty sure there is some ache or infection brewing in my ears, as well. I won't go in to details, but we had a hell of a time finding something that I could take to battle all of this and not harm baby. Though I finally got something, it isn't a very strong antibiotic and takes longer to kick in. I have been on it since Monday and I don't feel like I have had any improvement.

I have been taking multiple over the counter, pregnancy safe products to try and supplement the antibiotics (tylenol, vicks, salinex, tea, ear drops). They are all just a temporary relief and it never lasts for very long. In the end none of it seems to have made any difference. In fact, I feel weaker and more miserable than ever. And now, on top of it, I have discovered blisters and swelling on the underside of my belly. I've had it for a while now, but only in the last few days has it become really painful and unbearable.

I thought I was "done" before, but now I know better. What I felt a week ago is nothing compared to how I feel now. I need to get this baby out of me. As much as I had hoped to be able to do this on my own, to let baby decide when he was ready to come, I don't think I can do it any more. I can't wait around for baby. I need something to happen now. I won't go in to much detail now, but I will say that we have already come home from the hospital three times, turned away because they were too busy and could not induce me as scheduled. I go back tomorrow for my fourth and hopefully final attempt. I don't know what I will do if I am turned away again. As I said, I am at the end of my rope. My body can't take too much more. Right now, induction seems like the only way I will get any kind of relief and proper treatment for my problems. I honestly believe that for the best interest of me and the baby, the baby needs to come out as soon as possible.

As it is, I cannot imagine how I will manage to go through labour and delivery like this. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally weak right now. Sometimes I have barely enough energy to sit up anymore. How am I supposed to go through hours of hard labour and then push a baby out of me? The only thing giving me inspiration right now, is that I know Mum did it with Eric. If she could do it, I have to believe that I can do it, too.

I will get through this, because I have to. I have no other choice. This baby needs to get out of me and there are only a few ways to accomplish that. I have to try to hold on and keep it all together until he is out of me. And then, I hope that I will have enough support and help to be able to just quit for a day or two and allow myself to get better.

It's not how I imagined things. It's definitely not how I want things to be. The last thing I want after having my baby is to pass off the duties to someone else and hopefully I won't have to. But I am at the point where I have to accept that I am not going to be in any shape to properly take care of myself and my son the way I had hoped. I am going to need to take all the help I can get. I've already begun to prepare myself for the fact that I probably will not be able to breast feed like I had hoped. I am really going to have to rely on other people to be able to feed him and take care of him for me. And after he is born, I might have to go on a stronger antibiotic which will mean that I probably will not be able to breast feed anyway. It is incredibly disappointing and I still pray that this stuff will finally kick in and work, but I need to prepare for it just in case.

My first priority is to get better so that I can be there for and enjoy my son...

A Little Ducky

Tonight's project. A little ducky.

I really need to work on my hand sewing skills. They suck. But other than my terrible sewing, I think he is pretty cute.

Elf Hat

It is about twenty after one in the morning and I just finished this hat for my son! If he ever decides to leave his cozy belly home and finally come to the outside, I will get some really adorable pictures of him in it...



There are going to be many, many photo sessions in this little man's future. I really can't wait to be able to share all of the pictures I will take of him. He's about to become my new favourite subject (along with my pups, of course). Hope he's not camera shy!

Waiting Game

Well, Little Man, where are you? You are officially one day overdue and showing no signs that you are even considering making your arrival anytime soon. This is not very encouraging for me and the least you could do is give your mama a sign that something is happening. Anything...

I really suck at waiting games. I can't even imagine being one of those women who are ten days, two weeks, or even more over due. I'm not even a full day late and I feel like I am going to break down and cry if nothing happens soon. I would go crazy if I were allowed to go so far past my due date. As it is, five days seems like a lifetime. Part of me wants to go in and beg to be induced today. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen.

I don't think it would be so bad if my body would only give me some kind of sign that something was happening. A week ago I was getting all kinds of practise contractions all throughout the day and that gave me hope, but they just stopped this week. I haven't gotten more than a few a day and they are always very spread out. I feel like any kind of progress has just stopped. I don't even know how far dilated or effaced I am, or if the baby is even engaged. The doctor hasn't checked me in the last two weeks. I understand why. It really would make no difference how far along I am now because no matter what baby is coming within the week. However, I now have absolutely nothing to go by, no idea how far along I might be. It's quite frustrating... Like I said, if I knew something was happening, anything at all, I think being over due wouldn't be so difficult.

But, it is what it is. All I can do is try to help things along by staying active and hope that something happens on it's own. For all I know, half an hour from now my body could kick it in to high gear all of a sudden, or maybe it will build up gradually over the weekend, or maybe I will experience nothing at all and on Wednesday I will go in for my induction. I can't predict when labour is going to happen, so I'm just going to have to get used to the waiting game. At least until Wednesday...

Oh wait. Can I just add quickly that being miserably sick at nine months pregnant is no fun at all? It really isn't. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, aching ears, and a massive sinus headache. My throat is no longer sore, but the aching ears and sinus headache are still there. Add in nausea to the mix, from post nasal drip. There is absolutely nothing that the pharmacists deem safe for me to take, so I must suffer through until A). it goes away on it's own, B). I have the baby and can finally take some kind of medication to help ease the symptoms, or C). it becomes so bad that I develop an infection and have no choice but to take antibiotics. I think being sick is making it harder to wait as well. It is making these last few days of pregnancy absolutely miserable for me.

Okay, I'm done complaining now...

Due Date Bump :)

I haven't taken a bump photo in about a month now. I've been so tired and have never been in the mood to take one. However, today is a special day. It is my official due date! I figured a special day required a bump pic, so here are two. My next one will be taken from the hospital!

40 weeks! May 4, due date... as you can see, baby is still on the inside...

The harsh realities of pregnancy. One of the many sacrifices one must make for that perfect little bundle of joy. I'm still having trouble accepting them, but I thought the first step would be to stop hiding from them. So, here they are in all their glory. STRETCH MARKS!

Eviction Notice!

My Facebook status this morning :).

EVICTION NOTICE:

Dear Baby McFarlane,

Due to multiple complaints in recent weeks, including reports of rowdy late-night parties, excessive abuse to the residence (may I remind you that trying to kick your foot through the wall is unacceptable), unauthorized redecorating (squiggly, red lines all over the outside of the residence are both unattractive and not part of the original lease agreement)..., damage to the structure and foundation of the residence, and failure to pay rent in the last nine months, it is my duty to inform you that you must vacate your current residence, effective immediately. If you should fail to vacate within the next five days, you will be forcefully removed on Wednesday, May 9, 2012. No exceptions.

Your Mommy

P.S. I'm not kidding! Get out!

So that's it. We've set our induction date for Wednesday, May 9. I am still hoping that he comes before then, but it is nice to finally have an end in sight.

Things have been getting worse and worse by the day as far as discomfort goes. I barely sleep at all now. I'm exhausted 24/7. For my sake and all those around me, I hope this baby comes soon. Maybe then I will be able to pass him off for an hour or two and get a decent sleep for the first time in weeks. I am really lucky that I will have people who will do that for me.

However, I think I still have at least a few more nights of discomfort and insomnia. My little man is quite happy where he is. Even Dr. Yacoub remarked at how much amniotic fluid he still has. In most pregnancies, the amniotic fluid begins to deplete in the last few weeks of pregnancy, crowding the little one and causing them to become "quieter." Not me. For some reason, he still has lots of amniotic fluid, giving him plenty of room to play with. This means that I have one very active little one on my hands, all day long. In fact, I think he may be more active now than he was several weeks ago. This can end up being very painful for me! I just hope that the excess of amniotic fluid does not make him so comfortable that he waits it out to the very end. My fingers are crossed that he will come this weekend.

And considering the super moon we are supposed to have on Sunday, my wish just might come true. I don't know if there is any truth to the old wives tale, but I have heard a lot of people back up the stories. I will take anything I can get at this point, so a super moon sounds pretty good. Baby might be here by Monday morning.

In the meantime, I think lots of walking is in order to help get things moving along. Walking is still pretty hard for me to endure for more than fifteen minutes at a time, but I am going to try to push through. Hopefully it will help.

But no matter what, this kid is coming out on Wednesday, May 9! Or Thursday, May 10, if I am unfortunate enough to suffer through a very long labour... Either way, definitely a baby by the end of next week.

Officially a May Baby!

Hello, May!!!

I can't believe that it is already May 1st, and that I made it this far. I always figured that May would be the perfect month to have a baby (either that or September). No reason in particular. It just seemed right. And now I am so excited that our little guy will officially be a May Baby!

I know I have complained a lot, especially these past few weeks. Exhaustion, body aches and pains, and the general anticipation of wanting to meet my little man have made me grumpy. I will admit completely that I have become a total b-word and my family has been hit with the worst of it. I was just so done with this pregnancy. I often wished that he would come just a little early and end all of the discomfort and, for lack of a better word, misery. But now that I have made it to May, I wouldn't have it any other way. (That rhymed!)

To celebrate, I am going to try my very best not to complain or be overly grumpy today. I am just going to be thankful to have a healthy, full-term (and can I add very active?) baby growing inside of me. I am going to keep reminding myself that one way or another I am going to meet this little guy very soon, so there is no need to be impatient.

Let's see how long this positive attitude lasts... Haha :)