Self-Doubt is a B-word...

I am about ready to just throw my hands up with this whole photography business!

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my photography. I really, really love it and I can't see myself doing anything else. Sure I pull my hair out after every shoot thinking I've ruined it all, but when all is said and done, I am really happy with my work and what I am doing. I am having a great time learning new things and seeing my business grow with little baby steps.

It's a slow process, and I fully expected that when I started. I knew it would take a while, several years at least, to really find my style, work out the kinks, and build my reputation. That comes with any business. And to be honest, things are moving more quickly than I ever expected and it's great, but I still know it will take time.

So, what is the problem?

Let me fill you in on a little fact... there are at least 30... probably many more photographers serving this area. And I mean, we are not a big area when you really think about it. Pembroke/Petawawa and maybe a bit of Chalk River/Deep River. If you know this area, you know that it really isn't all that big. But there are 30-40 or more photographers - amateur, professional and everything in between - all competing. It's cut throat. Rates are ridiculously low because everyone is trying to under cut each other - this made it incredibly difficult for me when creating my prices because I knew that I really should be charging more, but at the same time I had to stay with my competition and my competition is charging practically nothing. It is very, very frustrating and I can only imagine how the real professionals feel about it.

It certainly doesn't help that every time I turn around, another photographer is offering their services. It seems that everyone and their dog is a photographer these days.

I don't know, I guess I am just feeling incredibly overwhelmed and intimidated by all of the competition. It doesn't matter that some aren't even good. They are cheap and I am finding people don't care that the photos aren't good and I've seen better photos with an iPhone, all they see is cheap and $50 for an hour session and every single damn photo that was taken, edited or not, in focus or not, good or not. Drives me up the wall how people can be so ignorant of what good photography actually is.

I'm not the best photographer in the world. I'm still learning. But I know I have potential and I am trying my best to tap in to that and learn more and more all the time. I also know that I am a lot better than a lot of the other amateur photographers in this area. And I know that with a few more years of practice and experience I will be just as good as some of the professionals.

But what gets me almost as much as the amateurs who aren't really that good... those that actually have potential and are good. I will come out and completely admit that I have an intimidation problem. I get intimidated very easily, probably because I am overly self-critical and a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. It is one of my biggest flaws. I'm not proud of it. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I get incredibly discouraged when I see photographers popping up that are actually good, or have the potential to be very good.

And that is where I am now. Several new photographers have popped up that are really quite good and I am feeling a little sub-par (sp?). Yeah, yeah, pity party for one over here. Of course, once I go back and look at my photos I feel a little bit reassured. I am good, just as good or better than a lot of people. But I don't see that. I have a very hard time seeing it when my vision is clouded with other people's photos.

It's something that I am just going to have to get over, because I will never get better if I am constantly worrying about competition and comparing myself to them. I will never find my own style if I do that. I will never be as good as I could be. A little bit of competition is good, it can keep you on your toes, get you to try new things, and force you to better yourself. However, when it starts discouraging you and making you second guess your abilities, then there is a problem.

I am not going to give up on myself and my business. I have felt like I want to several times lately, but I won't. Because I know that despite my self-doubt, I really am good and I really do have potential. With the right education and knowledge, and some experience and experimentation, I will find my own style and in a few years people will come to me because of that. I just have to hang in there and that is exactly what I plan to do.

Practise Makes Perfect

And now for some photos from this morning's shoot with my son. I got some good ones that I am really quite proud of. No editting involved.

I just love his expression in these this one and the one below. He is such a silly, happy, little baby. He is cuddling the bear I made him in these pictures, too. Okay, I lie, the bear was just kind of there. I had a hell of a time trying to get him to hug it, but he just refused to keep his arms around the darn bear. Hahaha! I just wish I had a reflector to take away those shadows.

Practise Makes Perfect: These two (top and bottom) are my favourites from the shoot. Same picture, just one in colour and one converted to black and white. I love them both. I will definitely be printing then off and hanging them in my house! The exposure is a bit high, but I love it in this particular picture. It makes his skin look all soft and creamy and perfect. It looks like a real, professional, newborn photo. These are the kind of pictures I want to be able to take all the time.

Not quite as in focus as the others. He kept moving. Wiggly little worm. But who cares, I just can't resist that face and that crazy hair. <3

All in all, I think it was a successful shoot. The background of my couch in some of the pictures is a bit distracting and takes away from the pictures, though. I really can't wait until I can get some back drops and props. I've been scoping out some sites and already have a list of what I want. However, practical equipment comes first and that means no props until I get the important stuff, like a reflector and maybe a flash with a soft box, and definitely photoshop. I want to take my pictures as natural and unaltered as possible, but sometimes you need that little something extra that altering can give. I don't know very many photographers who don't alter in some way, even if it's just a little. 

Vent

Can I just say how discouraged I am by the number of photographers in this area? I mean, it is a ridiculous number for a small town. Twenty, that I have counted, and plenty more that I have missed. How is anyone supposed to make a living in this place?

Obviously, I am not quite ready to start a business of my own. I'm still just learning, getting the feel for things. I have a long way to go and it will be a while before I am doing paid shoots. But, one day (hopefully by next summer), I do want to have my own business and make a living from what I love. And when that time comes, I want to be able to actually get a job or two without undercutting everyone else.

Photography

I've been working pretty hard on improving my photography. I really want to get serious about it. I would love to take an online course this fall, but I'm not sure if that will happen. For now, I am just working with what I have. It is frustrating sometimes. I often feel limited by my equipment (bad excuse?). However, I do think I am improving.

These are some of the pictures I have taken of Tristan in the last couple of weeks.

I love this photo, just because it looks like they are really having a conversation.

I loved doing the shoot outside. I hope that when (and if) I get in to newborn photography I have some parents who will let me do outdoor shoots. I just love the effect.

These were from a practise/recce shoot I did the other day. I was getting a feel for the location of my husband's brother's wedding and testing out some shots. My patient husband and son graciously modelled for me. Haha.

Experimenting with my new 50mm f/1.8 lens that Erik surprised me with. There were a lot of bad shots from this shoot. It's hard getting used to a prime lens when you are so used to the zoom. But there were a couple of decent ones, too.

The second shoot with the 50mm. Much better results. :)

 I still need work. There is always room for improvement. However, I can see the improvement and I can see potential. I really think that I have found what I want to do as a career, a living. I've always been told to find what you love and then find a way to make money doing it. Well, I love photography and I think I want to be a photographer.

Little Fowler

Just a few of the pictures we took of Tristan in the owl hat I made him. 

4 Week Photos

Tristan was four weeks old on Saturday. And tomorrow, on Tuesday, he will be one month exactly. Crazy!

These are just some of the pictures we took during our little 4 week photo shoot. I'm quite pleased with them.

I just love his little feet in these socks! Makes me happy :)

Erik and I both agree that it looks like he is fencing in this photo. Engarde!

Quite content after his meal. Love the hair. Not to mention, the formula goatee!

Having a conversation with Connery. "And then the bird was like..."

"Hey, Connery, look over there!"

I seriously have to start taking more photos outside. I've been so frustrated with my camera lately. It hasn't been taking very good pictures indoors, even in what I think are good lighting conditions. But these outdoor photos turned out great. Now if only my camera could take pictures like this indoors without me having to ramp up the ISO to 1600 just to get a decent exposure... Something I will be working on and experimenting with some more. 

So, I am feeling a little bit bummed. I've spent the past couple of hours looking up newborn photography. Tips, advice, equipment, etc. I've found some really good suggestions and I can't wait to try them out. I am even thinking about going out and buying a baby doll to practise with so that I can get the best photos of my little man when he gets here. I am really excited.

What, then, am I feeling bummed about, you ask?... Well, I desperately want a 50 mm f/1.2 lens for my camera! The problem is that the price tag on one is over $1500. Closer to $1700, in fact. Unfortunately, I have much more important things to buy than a fancy lens, especially with the little one on the way. Things are pretty tight as it is and I really can't afford a frivolous purchase like this. I don't think I will be able to afford it for a very, very long time... maybe in time for the next baby... or the one after that.

Do you think Santa would be willing to dish out that much? Probably not, huh? Well, in that case I will just have to wait and slowly save up for it. 

I know that the equipment doesn't make the photographer. I am sure that once I get the hang of it I will get some very good pictures with my basic kit lens. However, there are certain things that a kit lens just can't do. One of the major things is that my current lens only has a max aperture opening of 4-5.6 (usually closer to 5.6, 5 if I am lucky). Workable for your basic photos, but they won't allow me to get those beautiful, focused shots of his tiny, little toes and fingers, and it won't blur the background the way I want. It's quite frustrating and disappointing when you can't get the photo you want despite having tried everything your camera can give you.

It is something I am just going to have to work with, I suppose. I know that I will be able to get some really great photos, especially if I keep practising. I like the baby doll idea. I am definitely going to grab one the next time I am in town. Hopefully it will help make my pictures even better and prepare me for the real deal as far as knowing how to set my camera to get the images I want. I'm no professional, but I think I can manage to take some decent newborn photos, even without the fancy equipment that I long for.

The dogs will also have to do for practise subjects...

A bit over-exposed, but not horrible. I actually really like this picture.

Black and white makes almost anything better...

Meh, I think anyone could take this photo.

(P.S. - Connery is so much easier to take pics of than Leia. Even though he moves around a lot more and is harder to get to stay still, it is still harder to get a good picture of Leia. She is surprisingly elusive when I pull the camera out.)

Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Camera?

Apparently Connery is...

And, of course, Leia could care less...

Not too much longer...

34 weeks, 2 days...

...5 weeks, 5 days to go

Not too much longer now. Kind of starting to get scary, but incredibly exciting, as well. I can't wait to meet my little boy and finally see what he looks like! May can't come quickly enough! 

Just Another Owl Picture

Beautiful Day! :)

Can I just say that I am really enjoying this beautiful, spring weather? Gorgeous! Sunny, warm. The snow is melting. I can even see the grass in some places. I woke up to the sound of birds chirping and I have every window in the house opened up so that I can enjoy the beautiful, fresh breezes. It's wonderful!

It was the perfect day to get outside and search for a tree branch to use for one of my nursery projects. Erik and I went out this morning and trudged through the melting snow in the backyard to find one. I think we found one that will work quite well! :) Now I just have to trim it down, paint it, and mount it on the wall above the baby's crib. Maybe add a little owl...

Although, I didn't get to spend as much time outside as I would have liked (I wish I could have gone for a walk with hubby and the dogs), the dogs and I did get some play time in this afternoon.

Connery and the branch we picked out.

I can't wait to spend more time outside, and can't wait even more to get to take my little boy out in the beautiful weather. It will be great to finally get out for some walks again!

More Bump

32 weeks, 1 day

7 week, 6 days to go...

It sounds so much better to say 7 weeks, 6 days instead of 8 weeks. It makes it feel sooner. It's even better when I break it down. 1 week, 3 days until my next appointment. 2 weeks, 4 days until my growth ultrasound, etc, etc, etc... When the time is broken in to chunks like that it makes it easier to accept. It's good, too, to have things to look forward to in between to keep me distracted. I need to be distracted or I go crazy. I feel very close to going crazy lately. I'm so close to meeting my little boy, but not, and it's driving me insane having to wait when the time seems to be going by so slowly.

I have decided that he should come on May 1st. It's a little earlier than my due date of May 4th, but to be honest, I would rather he come a few days early than a few days late, especially when he is already measuring a week ahead. For some reason, the possibility of him arriving late terrifies me, as well as the possibility of having a baby over eight pounds... So May 1st is my ideal delivery date. If only it worked that way... Oh well. I can hope.

Bump

My Bump Pictures: 30w, 6d

You don't really get the full effect of how big my bump is because my hands are in the way. 

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby!!!

My husband is in the field for Valentine's Day. It's kind of a bummer, even though I have never been very big on the holiday. For some reason I was kind of looking forward to spending our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife together. I had even thought about making a special dinner for us and, of course, I was hoping he would be around to help me eat all of these strawberry cupcakes.

Oh well, that is the military life for you.

It doesn't mean we can't have our own day together later on in the week when he gets home. Maybe we will actually get to go out for dinner (we haven't been out to eat in forever!). I still plan to make my chocolate-filled raspberries as a special treat when he gets home, too.

So, in the meantime... THIS is how I spend my Valentine's Day alone. Working on my photography skills. I'm still learning, so these are not perfect or professional quality by any means. They were, however, a lot of fun and they helped pass the time when I was feeling a bit lonely. They were spur of the moment so my hair is kind of a mess (I was lazy and didn't shower this morning... shhh, don't tell anyone) and I'm not wearing very nice clothes. Despite all of that, I am incredibly proud of them. I am starting to kind of get a grasp on my camera functions and what they do. I also played around with editting, which made some huge differences. 

I think they turned out pretty well for my first attempt at fiddling around with the functions and editting, and also considering that I was taking the photos myself. I had to experiment a lot with angles and different things to help prop up the camera to the proper height. I'm kind of teaching myself as I go and picking up some tips here and there on the internet.

My goal is to be able to take most of the baby's photos when he gets here. I am getting professional Newborn photos done about a week after he is born. Nothing I can do right now can compare to the gorgeous photos this photographer takes. But I at least want to be able to take half decent ones that I can look back at and be proud of.

And who knows? Maybe one day, if I keep practising and learning some new techniques and what not, I will be able to make it more than a simple hobby. I'm not talking about starting a business (not just yet, anyway), but I would like to be able to take beautiful pictures for my friends and family. My brother-in-law is getting married this winter and I would love to be able to take some quality photos to record their special day.

In the meantime, practise, practise, practise makes perfect. You will probably be seeing plenty more of my trials and errors here in the future. Lots of hubby and puppy pictures, and baby when he gets here!