Bittersweet

It seems that two in the morning is the only time I really have for myself to take the time to write here. I should probably be sleeping but I'm wide awake after Tristan's feeding (7ish to 1, pretty good!).

I'm going to write about something different today (GASP! A post that's not about my new baby!... not really, at least). I want to write about dance.

I've been dancing since I was four years old. Jazz, tap, ballet, hip-hop, lyrical, highland. I've done almost everything that is offered where I am. I wouldn't say I'm good. You won't find me on So You Think You Can Dance. At best, I'm decent. I pass. But, I could be better. I'm the first to admit that my technique needs a lot of work.  Sometimes I'm very aware of this, but in the grand scheme of things, when I break it all down, I just love to dance for fun. There is a lot of extra work that I could put in. I could have a special work out routine based just around my dancing. I could stretch and work my feet for hours every day. But, I'm not trying to be a professional. I never wanted a career in dance. It's a recreational activity. Something I have always done because it's fun and I love it and it's become a huge part of my life. Something that I hope I will get to continue to do for a very long time.

I got a bit of a taste of what it would be like not to have dance in my life when I was pregnant. It was actually quite early on in my pregnancy that I made the decision to stop taking classes. At around 14 weeks I started experiencing round ligament pain, which is essentially just the ligaments and muscles that support the uterus stretching and adjusting. But dance was making it considerably worse and causing it to linger longer than it should have. So, I stopped because I thought it was what was best for me at the time. And part of me, I think, welcomed the break.

I've been dancing for 17 years. I love it and couldn't imagine never dancing again. But I think that a year off dancing was due. I have found in the past couple of years, dancing has become a bit of a chore. Not that I didn't enjoy it! I love dance, as I've said multiple times and will say many more. I was getting tired, though, if that makes sense and my anxiety was starting to go through the roof every time it was time to go to dance. I think I needed the break. I still taught, so I wasn't completely cut off, but wasn't taking classes myself. That took a huge load off of me. I missed it, for sure, but for the most part I was pretty relieved to relax a little.

The hardest part about not dancing this year, was last night. Opening night of the end of year recital. I went to help out and because I had a few of my girls that were performing who I wanted to be there for. I went because I wanted to be a part of it. I don't think I will ever be ready to take a complete break from dance. I was back stage, doing odd jobs, anything I was needed for, and, of course, being their to help get my girls ready. And it was bittersweet to be amidst all the excitement and chaos of backstage on opening night.

I had to watch the groups that I had started the year out with - jazz and lyrical, and the Opening and Finale, which I would have been a part of - get ready, make themselves up, stretch, and then go on stage and perform. It made me so sad to have to stand on the sidelines and watch them when I was feeling like  I should be a part of it. I wanted so badly to be out there with them. I was nearly in tears and full of regret.

I wouldn't give up being pregnant and having Tristan for the world. I have no regrets about getting pregnant or being a mother. I do wish, though, that there was some way that I could have kept dancing longer. I wish that I could have been a part of it, even if it was just a very small part. Something simple in the Opening and Finale maybe would have made me feel more involved. I think I still would have been sad watching my "peers" go on without me, but it might have made it a little easier. I never realized it would be so hard to watch from the sidelines.

I have another three weeks before I should be cleared to start exercising (other than walks and light things like that). I will be dancing again as soon as I can. I had a good break, but it's time to go back. I am ready and I think, hopefully, that I will appreciate dance a bit more now.

I just hope that I can get back in ready shape by the beginning of August! Dance camp might be a little rough for me this year.

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And just because I can't have a post without adding something about my little boy: I would just like to say that in just an hour and twenty five minutes he will be three weeks old!!! He's growing up so quickly...