I guess I am getting to that anxious stage of the pregnancy when I will be worrying about anything and everything. I have a million and one things on my mind right now: worries, fears, and anxieties mostly. What needs to get done before the little guy decides to make his arrival? How are we going to get everything done that needs to be done before he does? Am I going to be able to handle labour and delivery? The usual ponderings about what will he look like and what kind of personality will he have? Will he be a difficult baby or an easy one? Will both us take to breastfeeding? Have I done everything I could to give him the best start in life? Etc. Etc. Etc. Don't even get me started on all of the worries and fears about after he is born and he is home from the hospital.
For most of my pregnancy I have been relatively calm and collected about all of this. I didn't really have any major concerns and I was more excited than anything. One event triggered all of this sudden thought and worry. The birth this past Friday - ten weeks early - of a baby who shared the same due date as my own son. It was shocking and surreal to learn of what had happened. Even more shocking and surreal to see the pictures and realize that my little boy would be about that exact size if he was born today, that right now, inside of me, this is what he looks like (or close to it). It was eye opening, a wake up call and a bit of a reality check that a). anything can happen, and b). that every day we are closer and closer to meeting my baby. It was a reminder that really, ten weeks (or nine weeks, five days) isn't that long of a time at all, even though it may seem that way sometimes.
I started asking myself if I would be prepared if baby decided to make his debut now or even a few weeks down the road. My answer was a flat out no! In fact, I am completely unprepared. Sure we have the basics and everything he needs to be comfortable. We have loads of clothes (and still more than I can handle on their way), we have all of the important things such as the crib, change table, diapers, toiletries, etc. I plan to breastfeed, so even though we don't have bottles or anything yet, I would be okay as long as we both take to it. Technically, we are ready. However, there is a big difference between "technically" being ready and truly, emotionally, and mentally being ready. I'm not the latter. I am actually kind of freaking out.
First, I am suddenly scared out of my wits of labour and delivery. I haven't given it much thought over the past seven months. It's something that I just kind of shrugged at and accepted as something that was going to happen no matter what, so why worry. Now, however, I am quite terrified. I don't have a very high tolerance for pain and yet my plan is to have a natural birth. I'm wondering if I will be able to hande the pain, because I really, sincerely, deeply do not want to give in to pain relief unless it is absolutely necessary. I've started worrying about complications. Will the baby fit? He is breech right now, what if he is still breech when it is time to deliver? What if there is an emergency and I need a c-section? And of all of the little things that the books tell you to consider: who you want to be in the room with you, where you want to labour, the environment you want to be in, alternatives to medications, and etc. It is all so overwhelming and it is all running through my head.
And if he decides it is time to come earlier than expected, would I be prepared and know what to do? Not really. I haven't even thought about getting a hospital bag ready. I don't really know what to do or how to recognize labour. I kind of just assume I will know. I don't know who to contact when it does happen. I haven't pre-registered at the hospital. I'm completely disorganized.
You always expect there to be plenty of time to get ready and to prepare. However, as was proven this weekend, there isn't always as much time as you expected.
All of this thought about the birth has now triggered all of the thoughts and worries about after he comes home, which, by the way, I feel even less ready for than the birth. I've started really truly thinking about how I want to raise him and what is a realistically possible way for me to raise him. I've started worrying about all of the influences he will have and how to either protect him from or subject him to them. I've banged my head against the wall trying to figure out how to let people know how I want to raise him without offending someone or being ridiculed or judged. I could go in to this so much more deeply, but I don't want to make this a huge long post or rant or vent. Simply put, I am having problems a). figuring out how I want to raise him, b). how to take those ideas and actually put them in to action, and c). how to handle the ridicule I feel like I might get for some of my choices (from my husband, family, and other friends and loved ones).
I feel like I should have had all of this figured out and discussed before I even decided to have children. I now feel incredibly behind. Basically, I am freaking out about everything. I just hope this doesn't last the whole two months that we have left to go. I will drive both myself and everyone around me crazy.
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